DAYS THE MUSIC DIED

Hacienda DemolitionSometimes footage shot for the TV news that would’ve been shoved way down the pecking order when broadcast turns out to be far more fascinating in retrospect than whatever was grabbing the headlines. Joe Public going about his business or enjoying himself can provide a greater insight into how life was lived for the majority than whatever the President or Prime Minister of the day was up to. The fashions, the vehicles, the street furniture – all offer a window to a vanished world that is nevertheless remarkably recent in the grand scheme of things; and it is realising just how much the world we look out on day-to-day has visually altered within living memory that makes such footage so compelling. YouTube has proven to be a good repository for this people’s archive, and whenever I stumble upon another addition I tend to download it and stash it away for future use in my own DIY videos. A couple of months back, I rediscovered film of punters dancing the night away at the Hammersmith Palais in the early 1970s, something I’d downloaded years before and never done anything with; this uncut reel evidently trimmed for transmission ran for the best part of 25 minutes in its raw form, and I found it so intriguing that I wondered if the old-school ballroom venue was still with us. I quickly learnt it fell beneath the wrecking ball in 2007.

Sadly, the Hammersmith Palais is not unique amongst this country’s culturally significant pleasure palaces for the proles in that it now exists only on film. With the Brixton Academy currently threatened with closure, it’s interesting that so few of these venues are regarded by developers and local councils as sites worthy of preservation, as though the fact they provided entertainment for the masses and served as epicentres of pop culture renders them completely dispensable and historically irrelevant. They’re not the Royal Opera House, therefore they don’t matter. How wrong they are. Take The Cavern, perhaps the most famous club and musical hub of the past century – yes, visit Matthews Street in Liverpool and you’ll find a venue called The Cavern; but it’s not The Cavern; it’s not the same place that acted as the maternity ward for a revolution, as the actual location where John, Paul, George and Ringo lit the blue touch paper for all of our lives was across the street from the club that now bears the Cavern name. It was demolished in 1973 to make way for a car park, long before the Rock Heritage industry existed and realised its profitable potential.

The Cavern was still primarily regarded as a Jazz club prior to the incursion of ‘Merseybeat’, with a coffee bar-cum-live venue called The Casbah previously providing The Beatles and their contemporaries with somewhere to play; this was owned and run by the mother of Pete Best and had been inspired by Soho’s 2i’s Coffee Bar, a Skiffle venue that facilitated the first wave of British rock ‘n’ rollers. The café’s handy location in London’s ‘naughty square mile’ ensured any snotty young Elvis imitator strutting his scruffy stuff could swiftly be signed-up by some Denmark Street shark and sewn into a shiny suit for a speedy transformation into an all-round entertainer. But the 2i’s was gradually usurped as the place to be once the 60s started swinging and the nature of pop acts altered; it closed in 1970, and where the 2i’s used to be is now a fish & chip restaurant, with the token plaque on the wall outside the only indication as to its past incarnation.

The increasing popularity of less ‘showbizzy’ venues than the 2i’s was epitomised by the increasing success of The Marquee, situated in the same neighbourhood on Wardour Street; unlike the 2i’s, whose Skiffle roots had led to it being viewed as a rather juvenile enterprise, the Marquee had hosted ‘grownup’ music – i.e. Jazz and R&B – when situated in its original home on Oxford Street. When it relocated to Wardour Street in 1964, The Marquee quickly established itself as one of the key stepping stones on the live music circuit, particularly for up-and-coming acts who would shortly progress to household name status. The Rolling Stones had made their live debut at the Marquee’s first home and also played the Wardour Street version, as did everyone from The Who, The Yardbirds and David Bowie to The Jimi Hendrix Experience, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, to name but a tiny handful. When many of the clubs that had served as the breeding grounds for the British pop and rock scene of the 60s closed their doors in the early 70s due to the cheaper appeal of a DJ spinning discs, The Marquee remained a pivotal medium-sized music venue and continued to be so until the mid-80s. In 1988, the year I myself was photographed standing outside the Wardour Street Marquee during a whistle-stop tour around the capital’s most notable pop hot spots, the site was sold for redevelopment and the club reopened on Charing Cross Road, a location it remained at until 2001, the start of a nomadic period for the Marquee that saw it attached to various different locations until finally disappearing in 2008. The Wardour Street site is now occupied by a couple of restaurants, a cigar shop and apartments.

Most of the music venues that helped put Britain on the pop map weren’t purpose-built as such, with many undergoing several regenerations that reflected the changes in the kind of entertainment the public sought on a night out. The Wigan Casino, world-famous home of the Northern Soul scene, had been a ballroom in the Hammersmith Palais vein until its declining attendances were dramatically reversed by the introduction of all-nighters that capitalised on the regional popularity of obscure black dance music from the US. Several American Soul singers struggling to make a living at home were flown over to the UK and were pleasantly surprised to be enthusiastically received as big stars by the Northern Soul crowd; and the patrons’ passion for vintage tracks that had flopped first time round helped push a sizeable amount of them into the charts, giving a further kiss of life to down-at-heel singers who suddenly found themselves on ‘Top of the Pops’. Northern Soul was a passing fad in commercial terms, but continued to be a popular live attraction until the closure of the Wigan Casino in 1981. Nothing remains of the club now; the Grand Arcade shopping centre, an utterly forgettable retail cathedral packed with empty units, stands on the site today.

Manchester’s Hacienda had been a warehouse until Factory Records boss Tony Wilson and his label’s star band New Order converted it into a nightclub in 1982. Early attractions at the venue were something of a mixed bag, including The Smiths, Madonna (making her live UK debut), and even – on the opening night – Bernard Manning; but it was from the late 80s onwards that the club’s reputation grew as an important centre for cutting edge sounds via the Acid House scene, for which the Hacienda proved to be a Northern base. The ‘loved-up’ Ecstasy drug culture that went hand-in-hand with the music was credited with reducing football hooliganism in the city, though when harder drugs and the armed gangs that went with them began to plague the venue in the early 90s, the club’s days were numbered; ironically, drug-use at the Hacienda meant few patrons bought drinks and the venue made little money from the sale of alcohol, which is a key element of a nightclub’s income. The Hacienda finally closed in 1997 and after a period standing empty was demolished five years later. An apartment block is in its place now.

At the height of rock’s live pulling power, there were also several notable large venues that routinely held landmark concerts by the biggest draws, such as Finsbury Park’s Rainbow Theatre (closed its doors, 1982 – now an Evangelical church) and Earls Court, scene of a many a memorable big gig (closed 2014 – demolished by 2017). It’s a shame how few of the clubs and venues that gave birth to something which made a greater global impact than anything else produced in this country over the last 100 years actually remain standing and/or in use for the staging of live music. Times change, of course, and the dearth of charismatic young performers able to fill a large venue is evident at the pensioners’ away day masquerading as the Glastonbury Festival every summer; but the absence of physical evidence in the shape of these legendary locations is a sad statement on how this country views its most recent cultural legacy.

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THE RACE IS ON

AbbottA decade or so ago, when Thursday nights were actually worth watching on BBC1, ‘Question Time’ would be followed by ‘This Week’ with Andrew Neil at his inquisitorial zenith; his two stooges on the sofa were drawn from political polar opposites, yet worked as an entertaining double act – Michael Portillo and Diane Abbott. The chummy ambience of this pairing and Neil’s good-humoured ribbing of them nonetheless lulled the pair into a false sense of security that was comprehensively shattered when Neil confronted Abbott over the revelation she’d sent her kids to a private school rather than the kind of state institution she and her wing of the Labour Party had long sung the praises of; it exposed Abbott as a hypocritical champagne socialist totally unprepared for being put on the spot by a man she’d evidently assumed her genial bonhomie with would spare her from scrutiny. Neil demonstrated his ruthless absence of sentiment by treating her no different from the regular visitors to the show he’d grill as target practice, and Abbott’s response was to simply stare at him without reply, incapable of justifying her hypocrisy with a verbal riposte; she was portrayed as a fraud and had no comeback. Diane Abbott vacated the ‘This Week’ sofa not long after and never returned to it.

More than ten years later, the real Diane Abbott – the one who’s spent the majority of her Parliamentary career buried beneath a somewhat gregarious public facade – received another accidental outing via a disastrous letter to the Observer that has led to the suspension of the Labour whip by Keir Starmer. Lazily playing the race card has always been Diane Abbott’s get-out-of-jail clause, though there’s only so far it can be taken. The importation of divisive, US-style racial politics into a country that had slowly managed to resolve its unrelated race-based problems over several decades before all that hard work was cynically obliterated by those who have built lucrative careers on Critical Race Theory cant and BLM bollocks was a gift to the likes of Diane Abbott, who could henceforth deflect any criticism of her hypocrisy and general idiocy by deploying the racism shield; but reliance on the shifting sands of Identity Politics rhetoric to enhance a dubious reputation is a tricky game to play, and it’s one that Diane Abbott has mercifully fallen foul of.

Abbott’s suicidal missive to the Observer – a publication she clearly regarded as a safe haven for her ill-informed bullshit, being as it is the Sunday sister paper to the Grauniad – was a misfire of glorious calamity and laid bare the anti-Semitic soul at the heart of the far-left that opposition to the State of Israel routinely reveals. In it, she once again situated herself at the top of the table in the Oppression Olympics, the victim’s pyramid that states only anyone with a black skin has suffered prejudice and persecution; the Irish, Gypsies and (most of all) Jews have only experienced bigotry on a par with those of ginger hair according to Ms Abbott, conveniently overlooking a state-sponsored programme of mass-murder that occurred within living memory, and one based entirely on racial ‘inferiority’. But when lined-up against Apartheid South Africa and the Jim Crow legislation of the American Deep South, the industrial slaughter of around 6 million innocent people that constituted the Holocaust doesn’t really compare, apparently. Sitting at the back of a bus or being herded into a gas chamber – which is worse? In an ideal world, we shouldn’t have to choose; but Diane Abbott makes the familiar mistake of reducing all human suffering to a competition, an upside-down beauty contest that marks Jews lower on the scoreboard on account of their privileged ‘whiteness’.

Of course, in Diane Abbott’s ideological circle, her comments make perfect sense; blind eyes are in abundance there, where self-flagellating over Britain’s role in an international industry it was pivotal to ending throughout a quarter of the globe almost 200 years ago is a canny smokescreen to justify the deep-rooted hatred of the West that has captured every institution and corporation so that everyone is encouraged to engage in a never-ending, nihilistic ritual of reparation and apology, a ritual that – as is the case in all Identitarian ceremonies – has no redemption or concept of forgiveness; one has to be either permanently sinned-against or sinner; roles are clearly defined and can never be veered from because (in Diane Abbott’s words) ‘whites’ are not ‘subject to racism’. It’s nicely ironic that this toxic scale of measuring suffering based on flesh-tone isn’t so far removed from the principles of the rightly-derided theories of eugenics, which notoriously segregated the intelligence and superiority of different races using skin colour as a yardstick; today, the far-left is in thrall to a similar set of values – with the notable difference being the perceived degree of prejudice one experiences is then rewarded with a morally superior position on the chart. Mind you, considering the way in which the systematic separation of the races has been revived in the US over the last few years – a direct consequence of the constant insistence of everybody being defined and pigeonholed by irrelevant racial and sexual characteristics – it’s no wonder this has seeped into the fragile foundations of a nation that thinks the sun shines out of America’s arse.

Dianne Abbott’s letter to the Observer – which she has swiftly tried to backtrack on by claiming it was a ‘draft’ sent by accident – once more lifts the lid on the racism at the root of so-called ‘anti-racism’, much in the same way extreme Trans activists are regularly revealed to be far greater misogynists than stereotypical Alpha Males. Moreover, the Corbynista view of Jews isn’t much different from the far-right conspiracy theory view of Jews – another neat little irony that soars miles over the heads of those who propagate it. Abbott has been suspended from the Labour Party for her letter to the Observer, though she has received public support and ‘solidarity’ from another rightly-exiled Labour MP, the odious Claudia Webbe; she’s the one who was expelled from the Party for engaging in a campaign of what I presume the Left regards as ‘hate speech’ towards a love rival. Well, with friends like that, eh?

Sir Keir says he ‘utterly condemns’ Diane Abbott’s comments, reiterating his determination to ‘tear out anti-Semitism from the roots of the Labour Party’. Whilst Starmer acknowledges the racism Abbott herself has received over the years, at least he equally acknowledges Abbott’s gormless opinions came across as anti-Semitic, though the fact an unnamed Labour MP suggested Abbott should undergo some form of ‘training’ on anti-Semitism because it wouldn’t look good to kick out Britain’s inaugural black female MP highlights yet again just how privileged a position Abbott has enjoyed, able to spout any old bigoted shit safe and secure in her position due to the saving grace of her race. Jezza’s old comrade-in-arms John McDonnell pleaded for the Party to show a ‘generosity of spirit’ towards Abbott, though Starmer responded by pointing out that Abbott’s personal experience of racism ‘doesn’t take away from the fact I condemn the words she used and we must never accept the argument that there’s some sort of hierarchy of racism.’

Long-term readers will be aware I’m no fan of Keir Starmer, though I’m always prepared to give credit where it’s due, whoever the politician; and Starmer does deserve credit for acting fairly decisively in removing the whip from Abbott. If he could finally tackle the outrageous abuse and mistreatment of Labour MP Rosie Duffield for standing up to the fanatical Trans activists within the Labour Party, he’d receive further credit. But at least the Labour leader has acted in Abbott’s case, though one wonders if the swiftness of his actions have been motivated solely by an awareness that such behaviour could jeopardise Labour’s anticipated victory with the next General Election edging ever nearer; if Starmer is to make Labour a viable government-in-waiting, a bout of internal detox won’t go amiss, and what better place to start than with someone who serves as a fine example of just how unelectable are those whose impression of racism has been narrowed by the tunnel vision of Identity Politics.

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BULLY FOR HIM

Bully BeefI don’t think of Dominic Raab very often – indeed, why would I? Life, as they say, is rather short. But if I ever do think of him, the image that instantly springs to mind is his lockdown interview from home, one conducted on the TV news. Who can forget the pile of books behind him, balanced precariously on a shelf clearly unaccustomed to supporting such weighty tomes, evidently placed there moments before the interview began by his PR posse to convey an intellectual gravitas not normally associated with a man whose desired public image was that of an Alpha Male political bruiser? The icing on the cake of this superficial makeover, however, was the seamless spines of the spotless volumes, giving the impression underlings from Team Dominic had just dashed back from the nearest branch of Waterstones armed with a recommended list of books nobody had yet perused the pages of, resulting in a telltale absence of cracks and lines on those spines in the process. Were there a camera on me as I write this, readers would notice a similarly crammed shelf behind me – albeit one designed to actually hold books whose spines indicate they’ve all been well and truly thumbed. I’m sure online comments wondering if Raab had ever read any of the books behind him must have got back to the now ex-Justice Secretary pretty swiftly, and the possibility of Raab losing his rag with those responsible seems highly likely, were the reasons that prompted his belated resignation to be believed.

If we are to take the findings of the bullying inquiry as Gospel, it appears Raab’s approach to the Minister/civil servant relationship was akin to that of an old-school football coach who assumes repeatedly telling his players how useless they are will somehow galvanise them into upping their game. Not for macho man Dominic the ‘call me Dave’ supply teacher route – far from it; but was his approach the kind of kick up the arse Whitehall needed when confronted by incompetence or was it an ill-timed misfire in today’s touchy-feely workplace, where graduates of an educational system that infantilises its students and leaves them incapable of coping with criticism without bursting into tears and seeking therapy perceive any routine bollocking as bullying? During her stint as Home Secretary, Priti Patel was accused of similar behaviour as that which forced Raab to fall on his Ministerial sword, but the exposure her attitude towards her staff received perhaps revealed the tricky balancing act a Minister is required to master when the occasional need to issue a reprimand can so easily be misinterpreted.

Dominic Raab doesn’t come across as an especially ‘sensitive’ individual, it has to be said; but is that what his job demanded? He wasn’t running a nursery or a Sunday school, after all. Raab himself may have resigned, but he hasn’t exactly accepted the findings of the inquiry into his conduct as Justice Secretary, Brexit Minister and Foreign Secretary with good grace, airing his private grievances in public following his exit as Justice Secretary on Friday. He labelled the inquiry as a flawed, ‘Kafkaesque saga’ that ‘sets a dangerous precedent’, and claimed he’s been the victim of anti-Brexit ‘activist civil servants’ with ‘a passive-aggressive culture of the civil service, who don’t like some of the reforms – whether it’s Brexit, whether it’s parole reform, whether it’s human rights reform – effectively trying to block government.’ If that’s the case, it’s a pity the guilty parties in question didn’t do more to intervene when the Government was introducing some of its more draconian legislation during the pandemic; but maybe the influence of these ‘activist civil servants’ is less wide-reaching than Raab suggests. Maybe it’s simple sour grapes we’re getting from him at the moment.

Intimidating and aggressive were two words used to describe Raab as a boss in the findings of the five-month investigation led by lawyer Adam Tolley KC, and (in his words) ‘the definition of bullying had been met’. Tolley said Raab had been guilty of ‘an abuse or misuse of power in a way that undermines or humiliates’, though he added Raab’s conduct ‘did not intend to upset or humiliate’ and nor did he ‘target anyone for a specific type of treatment’. As a rule, genuine bullies tend to have their favourites, but it appears Raab was indiscriminate in his outbursts, lashing out at anyone within close range rather than honing in on the same faces whenever a rage took hold of him. As Raab said he’d quit his post unless utterly exonerated by the findings of the inquiry relating to eight formal complaints of bullying, he had no choice but to walk the plank; but those findings are somewhat ambiguous in their conclusions. Adam Tolley says he was unconvinced that Raab employed threatening physical gestures, or that he had the kind of vocabulary that once emanated from the potty mouth of Malcolm Tucker, or even that his criticisms of civil servants in the firing line were either offensive or malicious. Yet the definition of bullying had been met?

Raab’s resignation letter – described by an anonymous source as one of the best examples of a non-apology from a Minister in recent years – claimed the inquiry ‘dismissed all but two of the claims levelled against me’ and Rishi himself has said he believes the process of investigating bullying has ‘shortcomings’, suggesting civil servants need to look again at the handling of complaints of this nature. The Prime Minister has obviously had a reshuffle thrust upon him and loses one of his key allies from his leadership contest last year; but whether or not the Government will unduly suffer by Raab’s relegation to the backbenches – and him being branded a bully – is debatable; in the first instance, it can hardly be argued that Raab was an effective or invaluable Minister, and in the other, the evidence against Raab still seems dubious despite the publicised findings. Meanwhile, the two posts Raab held have now being split between two Sunak loyalists – Alex Chalk as Justice Secretary, and Oliver Dowden as Deputy Prime Minister, further strengthening the presence of ‘Team Rishi’ within the Cabinet, with former Liz Truss groupies now very much in the minority, and Dominic Raab very much out in the cold.

BARRY HUMPHRIES (1934-2023)

Les PattersonAn interview I recently watched with ‘alternative poet laureate’ John Cooper Clarke saw the Salford bard recall his first big break performing in the unlikely environs of the Embassy Club – a venue owned and hosted by none other than Bernard Manning. Despite being informed, upon his request for a gig, that the club’s patrons wouldn’t take to poetry because most of them couldn’t read, the young poet was nevertheless rewarded with a ten-minute slot and was greeted by the performer’s worst enemy – indifference; the punters talked amongst themselves rather than pay attention to Cooper Clarke’s recital. A similar fate greeted Barry Humphries when he made his debut on a UK stage in the early 60s, performing at Peter Cook’s legendary home of satire, The Establishment. Cook had been sufficiently tickled by Humphries’ character of a middle-class Aussie housewife name of Edna Everage to offer him a slot, but Brits took a long time to warm to the persona Humphries eventually elevated to a Dame of the British Empire.

As part of the Australian exodus to the mother country that included Clive James and Germaine Greer, Humphries took a little longer to establish himself as a television fixture, initially making a modest living writing for Private Eye, for whom he created the long-running cartoon strip, ‘The Wonderful World of Barry McKenzie’, and appearing in London stage musicals; but by the turn of the 1980s, Dame Edna Everage and her lecherous male counterpart Sir Les Patterson had become household names in the UK, with Dame Edna in particular paving the way for future alter-egos such as Caroline Ahern’s Mrs Merton to interview stars when in character, thus enabling them to be far ruder to them than straight interviewers. Humphries’ death at the age of 89 closes yet another chapter on a comedy era in which causing offence was regarded as a virtue rather than a sin.

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CRASH DIETING

Fanny and Johnny‘Two quid?!’ So cried Ray Langton in a 1971 episode of ‘Coronation Street’ when informed how much a haircut he’d agreed to pay for Irma Barlow would cost him. I know it sounds like a virtual free gift today, but a little online calculating revealed a trip to the nearest Weatherfield salon for a two quid haircut in 2023 would set Ray Langton back over £30, which still sounds a bit pricey. A storyline from the same year saw Irma’s parents Stan and Hilda Ogden rent a colour television set; naturally, Hilda made sure the entire street knew about this when it arrived, though wasn’t as keen to share the news with her neighbours when the shop repossessed it due to missed payments. At the time both BBC1 and ITV went over to colour at the end of 1969, a Pye colour TV set was advertised in the Radio Times as retailing between £232 and £346, which would be between £3,000 and £5,000 in today’s pounds, shillings and pence; no wonder people rented them, even if Stan and Hilda still found renting something of a financial strain. The average weekly wage in the UK at the beginning of the 1970s was £32, the equivalent of roughly £500 today, so one always has to take these things into account when making comparisons.

As many discovered during lockdown, it is possible to survive without a haircut; and I myself spend far more time on YT or watching DVDs than I do watching telly, so one can even live without that. When it comes to food, however, we all got to eat, and – energy and houses aside – nowhere does the much-trumpeted ‘cost-of-living-crisis’ appear more visible in terms of soaring prices than at the local supermarket. In fact, as other expensive contributors to the current state of the nation have actually decreased a little in price of late, food has kept making ever more aggressive demands on the household budget and is one of the main reasons why inflation remains high. The big established supermarkets have been engaged in a price war with each other ever since the arrival of the budget outlets like Aldi and Lidl, constantly undercutting one another in a bid to tempt shoppers away from the cheaper stores; but it would seem where certain items are concerned the process has abruptly gone into reverse.

According to new figures, the cost of foodstuffs has risen quicker over the past twelve months than at any time since 1977, back when the country was experiencing crippling rates of inflation aided and abetted by a spike in the global price of oil provoked by wars between oil producing nations. This time round, there are of course not-unrelated factors at play; not only did a post-pandemic demand for oil and gas push prices up, but there’s been that business in Ukraine cutting off the fuel supply from Russia; moreover, we have Tsar Vladimir’s military exercises to thank for the surge in the cost – and relative scarcity – of grains and vegetable oils. Bread, cereal and chocolate prices are also in the ascendancy, escalating the overall price of food; even though the pace of the rise began to slow a little as inflation fell from 10.4% in February to 10.1% in March, food prices still haven’t fallen along with inflation and are largely responsible for keeping inflation from falling further.

The Consumer Prices Index reveals the cost of food and soft drinks being the second biggest contributor to inflation at 19.1% (just behind housing and bills); the fastest rising price for an individual item over the past twelve months has been olive oil at 49.2%, with sugar at 42.1, milk at 40.0, cheese at 33.6, eggs at 32.0, and frozen vegetables at 30.2%. A sudden shortage of certain vegetables at the start of the year also played its part in the threadbare household menu. I can think of specific foodstuffs that are pretty much permanent fixtures on my own personal shopping list – eggs, milk, bread, butter etc. – and all have risen in price considerably over the past year or so; at the moment it almost feels as though each visit to the nearest Sainsbury’s – visits usually only separated by a couple of days – can see some of these items leap up in price in a manner that was unimaginable pre-lockdown. I do wonder where the Tory member for Ashfield, Lee Anderson, does his shopping; he’s the MP nicknamed ‘30p Lee’ after his claims that one only need spend that much for a nutritional meal. In the real world, you’d be lucky to get a tin of cat-food for 30p, and even then you’d be talking an own brand budget label that every cat I’ve ever known would turn its nose up at.

I’ve noticed some supermarkets cannily do their best to deceive the shopper by having some items on half-price special offer one day, giving the impression the general trend is being bucked; and then the next time one visits a day or two later, the same items will have suddenly not merely returned to the price they’d been prior to the special offer, but will have shot up another 50p. I guess the idea of the temporary special offer is to soften the blow of the imminent price hike, and in some cases will persuade the shopper who’s wised-up to the tactic to buy two or three of the item when it’s on special offer; in the process, of course, the shopper then spends more on the item than were it at its normal high price, convinced they’re getting a bargain. Much the same happens in pound shops, where shoppers end up buying a basket full of crap because ‘it’s only a pound’; one wonders if they’re so bedazzled by the thought of everything being ‘only a pound’ that they fail to notice they’ve just splashed out a tenner on stuff they don’t need. But, hey, when was the shopping experience not infected by a little psychological trickery on the part of the shop itself?

As happened in the 70s, wages are failing to keep up with rising prices, particularly food. A cursory online glance at any documentary about Britain in that decade will undoubtedly include archive footage of families being interviewed in supermarket car-parks bemoaning the fact their shopping bills are twice the price they were the year before. Half-a-century on, the average wage dropped 2.4% in the three months to January when compared to the same timescale last year whilst food prices have kept rising, mirroring the state of affairs in Three Day Week Britain. A snippet of vox-pops I heard on the news yesterday evening echoed the shoppers of 50 years ago, with the same complaints being aired all over again. Because I heard this report on the radio rather than saw it on television, it could well have been recorded in 1974, what with no contemporary fashions on show to give the game away. If you’ve lived long enough to remember 1974, there’s an undoubted sensation of déjà vu to a lot of the stories surrounding this issue at the moment.

In another ‘Coronation Street’ storyline from the same period as the one cited at the beginning of this post, Street pensioner Minnie Caldwell has no money to buy coal; fossil fuels were far more common for heating homes back then than they are today, of course, yet came with their own distinctive problems. Minnie is reduced to wearing an overcoat indoors and then goes up to bed early because it’s the one place in the house she figures she may be able to keep warm. In 2023, many people I know are adopting similar tactics because their energy bills are so expensive. As with the generation that still had fresh memories of the Great Depression musing on what they’d done to deserve the Three Day Week after everything they’d been through, many of a certain age today who are approaching the end of their working lives are wondering what all that hard work has actually done for them when they’re not even able to adequately heat their homes. Having said that, at least one can combat an absence of heating by wrapping-up; if one can’t afford much in the way of food, however – well, it could solve the obesity epidemic if nothing else. Swings and roundabouts, eh?

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THE FINAL FURLONG

Red Rum StatueI visited Aintree last year – well, I had a brief stop-off waiting for a train to Liverpool. Across the road from the station is a certain sporting temple most people associate with a specific annual event. The racecourse has been there for almost 200 years, which goes to show how horseracing predates most popular sports in this country, the majority of which were codified and turned professional much later, during the Victorian period. As with the sole occasion in which I attended a football match at the old Wembley stadium around 40 years ago, whenever setting eyes upon a venue one has been aware of via TV coverage all of one’s life, it’s hard not to be a tad awestruck for a moment. Seeing Aintree Racecourse merely from the outside was enough to summon up all those childhood memories of watching Red Rum’s trio of Grand National victories; catch the wind a certain way and no doubt it’d be possible to hear the rapid fire of Peter O’Sullevan’s breathless commentary again, a style which performance poet John Cooper Clarke once admitted to be an influence on his own machine gun delivery.

For those who don’t follow horseracing religiously, the Grand National is probably the only race they watch all year. Choosing a horse to cheer on and maybe even placing a bet is all part of the experience, especially if it’s something entered into just once every twelve months; for such part-timers, there’s a fun element absent from the dedicated online gambler and betting shop drop-out, whose entire future fortunes hinge upon desperately trying to predict the outcome of daily race meetings that have no impact whatsoever on the casual Grand National viewer. As one of this nation’s so-called ‘Crown Jewel’ sporting occasions ring-fenced for continuous coverage on terrestrial television, the Grand National holds something of a special place in the TV calendar, even if – as with many sports – the stakes surrounding such a high-profile spectacle can often prove fatal to its participants.

A bone broken by a severe tackle can curtail the career of a professional footballer overnight; a head injury to a rugby player or boxer can lead to brain damage; a Formula One driver’s raison d’être is to drive at the kind of speeds that considerably increase the possibility of crashing his vehicle and ending his life. Everyone who selects these sports as a profession knows the potential pitfalls before they start, but they go for it anyway, because they’re prepared to take the risk and figure it probably won’t happen to them. A jockey is equally conscious of the particular risks he faces should something go wrong, yet he decides to opt for horseracing as a career regardless; but can the same be said of the horse he rides? A horse doesn’t weigh up the pros and cons of racing and then decide whether or not to do it for a living; of course none of these factors apply to an animal. How can they? Every decision is naturally made for them by human trainers and human owners; they are the ones who assess all the risks that their horse faces. And, as loose horses whose riders have been unsaddled during races demonstrate, once they’ve been trained to run alongside other horses on a racecourse it’s impossible for them to resist the urge, jockey or no.

Racehorses are amongst some of the most pampered animals on the planet – and yes, I include toy dogs carried in the handbags of vacuous starlets and cats whose owners organise their daily routines to suit their feline overlord. Compared to sad old nags condemned to chew grass in empty fields, racehorses are spoiled and privileged A-list celebrities residing in luxurious surroundings, with their every whim attended to by stable-boys, trainers, owners and vets; recipients of the highest standards of animal welfare, they enjoy the finest of diets and get more exercise a day than most people manage in a month. Yes, many are simply viewed as financial investments and cash cows, but in order for them to attain such status they have to receive the kind of TLC that would be the envy of any other animal were they able to have a chat in the manner of a poorly-paid employee discovering how much more a work colleague is earning. Nobody involved in horseracing neglects or mistreats their horses if they want them to win races; they know they have to look after them – and they do. Unfortunately where racehorses are concerned, no amount of exemplary care and attention can insure against accident and injury in the sporting arena.

When a horse is injured during a race and has to be put down, all of the people whose lives are dedicated to ensuring their horse has a long and successful career are devastated. Two horses sadly lost their lives at Aintree on Saturday, following on from another death during the three-day racing festival; alas, as with the risks confronting the participants in the other sports previously mentioned, these things do sometimes happen. The argument of the animal rights activists who disrupted this year’s Grand National is that the horse – unlike the human – has no choice; the horse goes into a potentially dangerous environment utterly oblivious and is being sacrificed to feed the greed of man, whether owner or punter. Horseracing is not a blood sport, but the activist insists there is blood on the hands of all who promote and perpetuate it.

Protests at flagship race meetings – especially the higher-risk steeplechase events – are no new thing; but recent innovations utilised by protestors whose cause tends to be that of climate change appear to have become commonplace tactics, whatever the issue. Aintree Racecourse is a vast area of land that presents police with a considerable challenge when every inch of it needs to be combed to keep out unwelcome visitors, and it was inevitable on Saturday that a small handful breached the barriers and attempted to glue themselves to one of the fences on the race’s route. The protestors did somewhat make the police’s job easier by advertising their intentions in advance when they gleefully accepted ‘the oxygen of publicity’ generously offered them by the MSM in the build-up to the race; and it also helped that they all wore the same distinctive pink uniforms that stood out against the otherwise emerald backdrop. 118 arrests were made throughout the day as protests also took place on the M57, where adhesives were once again employed to ensure activists stuck to the carriageway.

However much the protestors enjoyed themselves at Aintree and relished the anticipated martyr’s money-shot of being cuffed by scuffers, the kind of stunts staged on Saturday are essentially counterproductive in terms of recruiting newcomers to the cause, testing the patience of even those who might actually be sympathetic to that cause; and it has to be said that the overwhelming impression given that anyone who refers to themselves as an ‘activist’ in the loudest voice seems to always be an annoyingly posh and privileged prig doesn’t help either; it just gets people’s backs up. Moreover, the fact that the 15-minute delay to the race’s start due to the protestors running onto the course meant the horses were kept walking round in circles under a blazing sun, causing them unnecessary distress when they were primed to be under starter’s orders, rather contradicted the protestors’ message. Is it really about the welfare of the animals involved or is it really about attention-seeking narcissists with too much time on their privately-educated hands?

Between them, the Jockey Club and the British Horseracing Authority have made great strides in improving the safety for horses at racecourses over the past few years, particularly at Aintree, where some of the more fearsome fences have been modified and reduced in height as well as ditches narrowed and parts of the course widened to enable horses to bypass the fences if they don’t feel like jumping them; on-course veterinary facilities have also greatly improved. Short of axing the event altogether, it’s hard to know what else can be done to appease critics whilst continuing to please those for whom the Grand National is the world’s greatest steeplechase and one of this country’s premier sporting occasions. It seems it will continue to provoke passions on either side of the argument with not even a photo finish on hand to decide the winner.

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QUANTUM LEAP

QuantWatching an archive ‘Coronation Street’ of more than 50 years’ vintage the other day, I remarked to a friend that Ena Sharples’ face was like a roadmap of the first half of the 20th century; in the story imprinted on that fascinating countenance one could discern traces of the Great War, the Great Depression and the Blitz, to name but a few traumatic chapters that left a mark so indelible it would define that character and everything she represented for the remainder of her life. At the time Violet Carson was bestriding the nation’s TV sets as one of the medium’s greatest creations, the generation seizing the day in a way the generation of old ladies in hairnets and curlers had been cruelly denied was perhaps embodied in the contrasting shape of Mary Quant, a woman several years Ena Sharples’ junior, yet one who actually lived way beyond the lifespan of that character’s onscreen duration. It’s somewhat humbling to realise that when one of the late 20th century’s pivotal pop cultural architects shuffled off this mortal coil, she had actually reached the grand old age of 93, which perhaps serves as a reminder of how her generation has now superseded the one that fought the War as our most senior of citizens.

Of all the creative industries revitalised by the cultural renaissance on these shores during the 60s – music, cinema, television, photography, fashion, art – pop music was generally spearheaded by war babies, with barely any member of a band that mattered born before 1940 (Bill Wyman was a rare exception). The other creative industries tended to be driven by slightly older heads who suddenly found themselves in the right place at the right time. Mary Quant was a good ten years ahead of, say, The Beatles, born a full decade before John Lennon; but many who helped shape the scene that flowered in the 60s had spent the 50s busily laying the foundations for it, whether they knew it or not. Mary Quant herself had started the ball tentatively rolling by opening her first boutique, Bazaar, on the King’s Road in 1955, long before that quarter of Chelsea became the Mecca for the beautiful people; the boutique gatecrashed a static and somewhat snooty fashion world still dominated by the houses of haute couture, utilitarian clothing, and elegant grownup models posing with all the animation of mannequins. What happened next must have felt to those who experienced it like taking a trip from black & white Kansas to Technicolor Oz.

Along with the burgeoning live music scene that would shortly bear exceedingly rich fruit, the opening of Bazaar was one of the first indications the country was finally emerging from its lengthy post-war fog. Quant once described the difficult decade leading up to her first boutique’s arrival as ’10 years of gloom and despair, when London was a bombsite. Nothing moved, nothing happened, and then suddenly the next lot of young people said, “Enough of this, we’re going to do it,” and they did it themselves.’ When asked many years later what the main difference was between the 50s and 60s, Quant recalled that in the 50s young women strove to look much older than they actually were; 30 was the desired age every girl was eager to pass for. The big change in the 60s was that daughters stopped wanting to emulate the style of their mothers and mothers instead sought to resemble their daughters. The hourglass woman was out and the slim-hipped girl was in; and Mary Quant played no small part in that transformation. She put a smile on the face of an aloof industry by injecting it with a very British sense of humour.

Quant had spotted a gap in the market, selling to a demographic barely catered for; Bazaar pioneered all the hallmarks central to the ‘swinging’ shopping experience, generating a vibe closer to that of a carefree night-club than the stuffy environments girls had previously endured when looking for something to wear, such as intimidating department stores. Although initially selling stock she’d bought in from wholesalers, Quant’s own colourfully quirky designs – virtually ‘Pop Art’ in their distinctive patterns – proved more popular, and by the time her unusual surname became a byword for the wardrobes worn by It Girls of the era, it had become a brand as potent as Chanel or Dior, and one not encumbered by a past; it was extremely ‘Now’. In the same way the advent of the flapper in the 1920s had freed a generation from the corset, Quant’s clothes had a similar effect in emancipating young women from the constricting ensembles their mothers had been fastened into. And nowhere was this more noticeable in the increasing preference of tights over stockings and suspenders; however unappealing this development may have been to the male of the species, tights were more conducive to the kind of outfits Quant was producing, especially when hemlines began to rise at a rapid rate.

‘It was the girls on the King’s Road who invented the mini,’ said Quant. ‘I was making clothes which would let you run and dance and we would make them the length the customer wanted. I wore them very short and the customers would say, “Shorter, shorter”.’ Whether or not Mary Quant can be held responsible for the introduction of the mini-skirt remains the subject of debate, with John Bates and André Courrèges also being credited with its invention. But she certainly capitalised on the mini, cannily exploiting a loophole in the law; a hemline of a certain height was viewed as children’s clothing and therefore exempt from tax; the lawmakers had evidently failed to foresee that grown women would wear skirts so far above the knee. Indeed, as the 60s progressed, the distance between hemline and knee grew so vast that the mini was eventually superseded by the ‘midi’ and the ‘maxi’, as hemlines couldn’t rise any higher without giving everything away.

The mini, as with many of Quant’s clothes, was perhaps kinder to those of a more beanpole build than the shapelier figure; Quant herself was fashionably skinny and the model whose unique look became entwined with the Mary Quant brand in the mid-60s was Twiggy, a striking stick insect Quant could well have designed on her drawing board. Quant’s designs had a sharp edge perfect for the Mod period and seemed to mirror the zest for the new that could also be seen in the high-rising architecture of the era; she embraced fresh materials like PVC, though the late 60s saw the shifting sands of pop culture take a turn into Victoriana and then Art Nouveau; the classic Quant modernist look was overtaken by the more bohemian hippie styles as personified by Barbara Hulanicki’s Biba brand. Quant had already expanded into other areas, such as cosmetics and household goods, though she ended the decade by effectively introducing hot pants, an item of clothing that kept legs on display even when hemlines were starting to drop again.

Made a Dame in 2015, Quant had been awarded the OBE as early as 1966 – just a year after John, Paul, George and Ringo had paid a visit to the Palace to receive their slightly humbler gong. In her own way, Mary Quant was as crucial to the revolution that transformed British pop culture from a minority interest to a global brand as the Fab Four had been, and her name is never far from the lips whenever the words ‘Swinging’ and ‘London’ renew their marriage vows for one more nostalgic promenade down the King’s Road of old.

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SAFETY FIRST AND LAST AND ALWAYS

Masked ManAre you a good person or a bad person? How do you define the difference? Do you rescue kittens stuck up trees or do you pull the wings off flies? If only it were that simple! At least a friend of mine was provided with a definition a couple of weeks ago when she encountered an old lady in a supermarket; she was wearing a mask and my friend was so bemused by this sight in 2023 that she was prompted to approach her and ask why she retained a face covering that most had no option but to involuntarily don at the peak of pandemic panic. ‘Because I’m a good person,’ she replied. There you go, then – a straightforward definition of a good person; whether that statement implied the mask-free shoppers around her were therefore bad people is something probably the lady herself hadn’t paused to consider; but it’s interesting how a distinction forged in the white heat of Project Fear was so deeply engrained for this woman that no amount of evidence either of a mask’s miniscule health benefits or subsequent revelations of how such a flimsy belief was spurned by those who imposed it on the rest of us could sway her from her conviction. She wasn’t like a Japanese soldier awaiting orders on an island 30 years after the end of WWII, but a good person.

I never wore an official mask at all during the periods they were deemed compulsory attire; I had a scarf slung around my neck that I yanked over my mouth and nose Dick Turpin-like when entering shops, hastily yanking it back down when I exited them. My personal opinion was that masks should always have been optional, up to the individual; after all, those who chose to wear them when we had choice were presumably protected from being infected by virtue of their mask; how could somebody not wearing one affect them if a mask was so effective in keeping Covid at bay? As long as they were wearing one, the theory was that they were both safe from breathing in others’ disease and safe from breathing their own on others. And, lest we forget, we – or at least those of us not working in Downing Street – were also required to maintain social distancing at the time, anyway, which must have minimised infection even more.

Along with social distancing rules and the touching of elbows as a substitute for the traditional handshake, the Perspex screens that offered additional protection for the masked men and women when engaging in interaction with members of supermarket staff may have gone now, but they linger for some. In a way, though, it’s no real surprise. If we take the notoriously brutal public information films produced in the 1970s, it’s possible they may well have reduced accidental road deaths as well as those from drowning, poisoning, fireworks, fire and even rabies; but they achieved their aim by scaring the shit out of kids exposed to them. The recent revelations from Matt Hancock’s WhatsApp messages, particularly his eagerness to induce terror in the populace with the latest variant, give the clearest possible indication that inducing terror was what government perceived to be the most reliable means of getting people to do as they were told.

Many who inhaled the deliberately apocalyptic ads and billboards and took their carefully-choreographed Doomsday narrative as Gospel swiftly became insufferably self-righteous and virtuous in their mask-wearing and shot killer looks at those who had the gall not to be taken in by them – those soon to be rebranded as right-wing, anti-vax, Covid-denying conspiracy theorists for being so unpatriotic as to question the Government’s pandemic policies, those barred from social media and YT for (in the admonishing words of big tech) ‘spreading medical misinformation’. The more extreme mask fanatics were never seen outdoors – or in their cars – without them; the mask was a badge of honour, a fashion accessory varnished in Holy water, a signal that here was a good person who was so kind and considerate towards their fellow man that they scrupulously adhered to every rule and regulation, and in some cases went one step further by wearing two or more masks, masking their children, and occasionally donning a visor of a kind only suitable for operating a lathe in a factory. The symbolism was unavoidable, for the more visible their virtue, the more superior the human being. It wasn’t enough to have to reluctantly go along with the strict rituals imposed upon the people simply out of basic necessity; one had to advertise one was a better person than the next by enthusiastically embracing them, going overboard in displaying one’s obedience to society’s moral duty and using the mask as a placard. But as this is the way with so many issues that obsess such individuals today, it’s hardly surprising the pandemic was weaponised as just another platform for the secular lay-preacher.

Naturally, the majority of people weren’t so ludicrously over-zealous and only slipped on a mask when entering an indoor public space just to avoid a fuss – and what could be more English than not wanting to make a fuss in public? I, like most, had no problem with those who chose to wear a mask anymore than I have a problem with those who choose to wear Crocs; I wouldn’t choose to wear either myself, but if somebody else wants to, that’s up to them. Things changed when we were all ordered to wear them and validated the mask extremists by doing so. But was it really a necessary tool of preventative healthcare or was it one more sinister example of manipulating mores, hatched by powers-that-be who insisted ‘do as I say, not as I do’? Did infection rates go through the roof when mandates on masks were tentatively removed from, say, NHS facilities at the time the Omicron variant was supposedly cutting a fatal swathe through the population? Well, not according to a report by the Cochrane Institute.

Regarded as the ‘gold standard’ of medical reviews based on evidence, the Cochrane Institute recently published the findings of the most comprehensive survey yet into the effectiveness of masks in shielding wearers from infection. Researchers examined 78 separate studies that involved over a million people from different countries; their results concluded that surgical masks reduced the risk of catching Covid by a mere 5%, a stat so low that it barely justifies the mandatory requirement most countries imposed. The initial belief that Covid was an airborne infection was something swiftly usurped by proof that one was more likely to catch it from surfaces graced by the infected; this was known early enough not to impose mandatory mask-wearing, but most governments went along with such a policy because it possessed greater visual symbolism – neatly overriding the fact the tiny holes in the mask’s material weren’t quite as tiny as the virus itself, thus making a mockery of them as a form of protection. But I guess the imposition of them was never really about that, anyway.

Of course, some who quietly went along with the herd mentality at the time are suddenly pretending they were sceptical from the beginning and that they always doubted the need for mandatory mask-wearing, even those who adopted some of the tactics of the extreme mask fanatics in their holier-than-thou pronouncements at the time. Ironically, this change of heart now the tide has turned and one is officially allowed to be sceptical without being censured means they’ve merely gone with the herd once again. But not everybody is similarly inclined; some stick to what they absorbed at the height of the hysteria and perhaps the impact was so deep they’ll be like that for the rest of their lives, quite possibly stipulating they’d like to be buried in their masks, just to be on the safe side. I think they’re beyond help, to be honest, though it’s hard not to feel sorry for them, so mentally damaged that they continue to mask-up whenever they set foot outside their front doors, despite no doubt having received every booster available. But, hell, I’m a bad person, so what do I know?

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HOLIDAY VIEWING

BladeFor all the talk in recent years of the UK ‘leaving Europe’, Britain’s membership of a certain European institution has nevertheless proven to be remarkably enduring, far more so than another renowned European institution – i.e. the one we opted out of in 2016 (the one that continues to be held up as both Messiah and Antichrist, depending where you stand). I’m talking about the EBU – that’s the European Broadcasting Union to those of you only aware of one European Union. Our membership of the EBU predates any economic alliance with the Continent, stretching all the way back to the early 1950s – long before satellites enabled live pictures from mainland Europe to be beamed into British living rooms, a time when we were reliant on cables buried deep under the Channel to relay the Eurovision Song Contest as it happened. In fact, we have the EBU to thank for our continuous participation in Europe’s premier kitsch event and gay night-out; had we not been one of the ‘big five’ countries making substantial financial contributions to the EBU, our woeful bottom three finishes in so many Eurovision Song Contests over the past couple of decades would’ve seen us relegated from the competition; and who over here would want to watch were we denied the edge-of-the-seat drama of seeing if the UK would manage to achieve nul-points?

Our membership of the EBU has not only kept us alive as vital participants in a tournament we will finally be hosting again this year, but continues to provide Radio 3 listeners in the post-midnight wee small hours with something soothing in the background as the station links up with other EBU member states across the Continent and broadcasts extended performances from numerous European orchestras. And anyone who was a viewer of children’s television in the 1960s and 70s felt the benefits of this enlightening post-war co-operation via various European series that were dubbed into English and seared themselves upon the subconscious memories of more than one generation. Iron Curtain cartoons such as Czechoslovakia’s ‘The Mole’ and ‘Dorothy’ were regular features of BBC1’s children’s teatime line-up 50 years ago, as was the Franco-Polish bear ‘Barnaby’ in the lunchtime ‘Watch with Mother’ slot – ‘Barnaby the bear’s my name/never call me Jack or James’; but it was the serials screened repeatedly on mornings during school holidays that left the longest-lingering legacy.

There was the disturbingly surreal Grimm-like East German fairytale, ‘The Singing Ringing Tree’, and Yugoslavia’s ‘The White Horses’ – the latter chiefly remembered courtesy of Jackie Lee’s adorable theme song; there was France’s ‘Belle and Sebastian’ and the unforgettable ‘Adventures of Robinson Crusoe’ starring Robert Hoffman; and there was ‘The Flashing Blade’ (AKA ‘Le Chevalier Tempête’), another French outing that received the redubbed treatment at De Lane Lea studios in London, dependent upon a dependable cast of voice actors who made a decent living putting English words into the mouths of funny foreigners. It is the latter I’ve recently re-watched on DVD for the first time in a long time, sticking to the old formula in the process – i.e. watching one episode a day rather than the somewhat dishonest back-to-back binge-watch that rather distils the viewing ritual such serials had at the time.

‘The Flashing Blade’ is set in the 17th century, during one of the endless battles between France and Spain for Continental dominance; our hero is Frenchman the Chevalier de Recci, a dashing, swashbuckling mercenary whose lust for adventure grates as much with the more straitlaced military establishment of his home country as it does the enemy; along with his loyal sidekick Guillot, Chevalier embarks upon a death-defying mission to save an under-siege French garrison town from Spanish bombardment, and over the course of 11 episodes we follow his adventures as he outfoxes the Spanish during their illegal occupation of one of the numerous independent principalities that characterised Europe in this period. The hero is played by Robert Etcheverry whilst his suitably villainous Spanish nemesis Don Alonso is played by Mario Pilar, and the frenetically restless nature of the lead character is reflected in the breathless pace of the series, in which barely five minutes go by without a sword fight or a chase sequence. It had such an impact on me at the time that I even named my first pet goldfish after the series’ hero; and how many pets were called Chevalier in the 70s, I wonder?

‘The Flashing Blade’ had a degree of longevity beyond its Continental competitors in that it was shot in colour and therefore received its last terrestrial TV outing as late as the late 80s; considering it had originally been filmed in the late 60s, this was no mean achievement. But it still looks as though it was afforded a big budget in comparison to the studio-bound home-grown serials of the era, making full use of the period costumes and picturesque locations that give it a cinematic ambience. Once translated and edited into English, ‘The Flashing Blade’ was gifted a fantastic theme song called ‘Fight’ (one absent from the original French language series), which has a galloping rhythm perfectly suited to a series that spends so much of its time on horseback. Swiftly established as a mainstay of school holiday schedules for the best part of a decade, in the pre-VHS/DVD/streaming television era repeated broadcasts on TV were the only way to see a series more than once, and ‘The Flashing Blade’ was a beneficiary of this system. And as someone who came to it after its initial 1969 transmission, I was unaware what I’d always been led to believe was the final episode was actually the penultimate chapter.

Upon purchasing the Network DVD of the series a decade or so ago, I was pleasantly surprised to discover there was a twelfth episode I’d never seen before, though on the DVD this is presented in its original French language version with English subtitles. It’s somewhat jarring to hear the authentic voices of the French actors instead of the more familiar dubbed English voiceovers – and to be deprived of the memorable theme song; but I subsequently learnt that when the dubbed version of the official final episode aired in 1969, the film was subject to constant breakdowns during transmission and even resulted in an ‘Ask Aspel’ request to see the scenes affected by the repeated break in broadcast. At some point in the 1970s, it would appear the BBC hierarchy decided the actual final episode was too problematic to air again and the series was reduced from 12 to 11 episodes thereafter. A pure stroke of serendipitous luck is that the final episode doesn’t really add anything to the overall story and follows the characters as they return home after their battles; by ending the series on 11 episodes, the breathtaking pace is retained and the postscript is rendered superfluous.

It’s easy to forget today just how essential it once was, having to tune in every morning to catch the next instalment of a serial; this was genuine ‘appointment’ television of a kind we’ve completely lost now, probably forever. The rest of the day may well have constituted climbing trees or scaling building site scaffolding as well as engaging in a ‘jumpers-for-goalposts’ cup final, but mornings were reserved for the daily diet of swashing and buckling that would provide at least half-an-hour’s inspiration for recreated sword fights once the great outdoors beckoned. ‘The Flashing Blade’ was the most endearing example of this vanished genre of viewing and is deserving of a retrospective view; the nice thing is that it really stands up, and remains an enjoyable example of just how much time, effort and money once went into children’s programming – not only the original French production, but the English language revamp (including that classic theme song). It also proves not all of Britain’s entries into Europe proved to be a damp squib, whether led by Ted Heath or by Jemini. After all, you’ve got to fight for what you want, for all that you believe…

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FOOLS’ GOLD

The FoolBookmark it – like most, I’ve found it’s the best way to locate a video you saw online if you want to watch it again; I didn’t take my own advice with one I caught a few months back on Twitter, so I shall have to recount it solely from memory. Anyway, in said video somebody was discussing the difference in content between the Chinese version of TikTok (Douyin) and its more familiar Western equivalent, pointing out how the former bombards its young audience with videos of young people engaging in what one might call ‘heroic’ pursuits, i.e. achieving something that looks impressive on camera and evidently took months (or years) of hard work and training to realise. These are generally athletic enterprises, but a particularly prodigious musician could figure too, for example – essentially anything that has an aspirational feel to it and presents the viewer with positive images of their own demographic. Naturally, this can be regarded as rather traditional Communist propaganda rebranded for the online age; but the comparisons with the images of themselves that Western subscribers to TikTok receive were interesting – as is the fact both versions are Chinese-owned.

The TikTok more familiar in this corner of the globe routinely serves up images of idiocy and stupidity, full of infantile pranks and silly stunts – and outdoing the previous holder of the most viral video means upping the tomfoolery ante just that little bit further each time. In the pre-TikTok era, a quaint old-fashioned vehicle known as ‘a television show’ sufficed when it came to this kind of thing, most memorably a US import called ‘Jackass’. This series ran on MTV from 2000 to 2002 and sometimes staged stunts of such breathtaking ridiculousness that it did admittedly contain a few genuinely funny moments; but the joke did wear thin rather quickly. Unlike mainstream British shows fronted by Noel Edmonds or Jeremy Beadle in the 80s and 90s – which targeted unsuspecting members of the public who’d been set-up by family and friends – ‘Jackass’ reserved its often painfully dangerous idiotic acts for the hosts of the series; they could go where no prankster had gone before because they were mostly doing it to themselves.

In the wake of the popularity of ‘Jackass’, the rapid improvements in mobile phone technology enabled copycat stunts inspired by the series to be staged and shared; as the World Wide Web began to take shape and its usage became more widespread throughout the noughties, these DIY ‘Jackass’ videos received wider exposure and made the viewer realise they too could grab their fifteen minutes if they could only do something even more stupid than the video all their friends were watching. However, a darker turn was taken with the advent of so-called ‘happy slapping’; this was a mercifully brief fad in which idiots with cameras on their mobiles rejected the self-inflicted violence of ‘Jackass’ and instead turned themselves into psychotic Jeremy Beadles, physically assaulting innocent members of the public for cheap – not to say dubious – laughs, and then posting the end results online. Of course, the more maliciously stupid took this further and committed GBH in their desperate desire for the tawdriest kind of fame, so dim that they didn’t seem aware that by capturing their crime on camera they were making the job of the police a hell of a lot easier.

These activities were ripe for satire when satire still had a platform on television – mocked in the likes of ‘The Thick of It’ and ‘Nathan Barley’ as well as parodied by Charlie Brooker when he invented moronic imaginary TV shows mirroring the parallel idiocy gathering pace in reality television, such as ‘Sick on a Widow’. Charity then got in on the act, taking the basics of the craze and attempting to render it harmless fun – remember the inane ‘ice bucket challenge’, whereby celebrities and politicians poured a bucket of ice-cold water over themselves on camera to raise money for a noble cause? Less harmless was the development of the death-defying ‘selfie’, which in many cases didn’t actually defy death at all as numerous numpties posed precariously on cliff edges or skyscraper ledges without any safety nets. Unfortunately, this remains bafflingly popular and stories of reckless fools who didn’t live to enjoy their ‘fame’ are still fairly commonplace. If one were to compare these with the stunning physical artistry of Philippe Petit, the tightrope walker who famously engaged in a high-wire walk between the twin towers of New York’s World Trade Centre in 1974, the chasm is as wide as the distance from one twin tower to the other; indeed, Petit’s achievement, something he couldn’t have attempted without years and years of honing his craft, is closer to the kind of achievement celebrated on Douyin than the instant (and often posthumous) fame of the artless and talentless encouraged to seek the quick route to recognition without putting the hours in on TikTok.

The aforementioned ‘Nathan Barley’ was a 2005 collaboration between Charlie Brooker and Chris Morris that tapped into what one might call ‘the Jackass generation’ as they infiltrated the London media world; one of mainstream TV’s last acts of satirical savagery, ‘Nathan Barley’ exaggerated (though not much) the arrested development of these kidulthood bell-ends and their utter absence of self-awareness when it came to just how stupid they were. What seemed to be amusingly spoofing a group of fresh archetypes pretty much unknown beyond the North Circular Road 20 years ago, however, gradually revealed itself as a prophetic observation of the shape of things to come, alas. The proud dumbness of media idiots at the turn of the century slowly turned out to be a view of the future – or the present as we know it, where acting stupid or simply being stupid is a badge of honour. The ‘Dumb Britain’ segment of Private Eye, which reproduces mind-bogglingly thick answers to questions on daytime quiz-shows, is either testament to this pride or a damning indictment of our educational system over the past couple of decades.

Bar the annual final fling for the ageing David Attenborough, what remains of mainstream TV appears to have surrendered entirely to this mindset. On my increasingly rare forays into the no-man’s land of primetime BBC1 or ITV, I’m struck by how everything now feels like a children’s programme. Hyperactive presenters talking in the kind of overexcited manner once the province of Timmy Mallett and speaking to the audience as though addressing a classroom of special needs kids appears to be the currency of the ‘family show’ these days, whilst the golden years of ‘Grange Hill’ in the early 80s resemble something by Harold Pinter in comparison to contemporary soaps and other pre-watershed melodramas. In an age with instantly accessible archives, we don’t have to mistrust a cheating memory either; watch any of a dozen editions of ‘John Craven’s Newsround’ on YT and it comes across as more grownup than ‘Newsnight’, let alone the early evening bulletins. No wonder anyone with half-a-brain has abandoned the mainstream these days – if the dwindling viewing figures are anything to go by.

We’ve had one day a year dedicated to the fool since at least the 14th or 15th centuries, though its precise origins are inexact; 1 April has undeniably produced some memorable scams over the years, with the one everybody seems to reference being the infamous ‘Panorama’ report on ‘the spaghetti harvest’ in 1957. But 365 days a year dedicated to the fool is probably something no skilled hoaxer ever foresaw. If ByteDance, the company that owns Douyin/TikTok, is selling Western youth the idea that being a fool is cool whilst simultaneously selling Chinese youth an entirely different message, what does that say about the future age when the fools and their oriental equivalents come of age? If recent trends continue, the fools may never come of age at all, and in that case they’ll need some parental guidance; if the only grownups in the room are Chinese, more fool the fool.

© The Editor

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