Fitting – that’s the word that sprang to mind when it came to 2024’s host nation for the annual camp carnival that is the Eurovision Song Contest; half-a-century on from Abba’s historic victory in Brighton, Sweden was the venue thanks to the triumph of Edwina Scissorhands with a song everybody forgot the day after last year’s shindig in Liverpool. And, amidst an avalanche of TV shows marking the 50th anniversary of ‘Waterloo’ – which I’d always foolishly imagined had happened in 1815 – we came full circle and hopefully drew a line under any further documentaries about Bjorn, Benny, Agnetha and Frida. Besides, another element has come to dominate Eurovision since the innocent, distant days of 1974, and that is politics; I first noticed it 21 years ago, when Russian lipstick lesbians Tatu were booed during their performance, the same year when Europe made its feelings known about the invasion of Iraq by giving the UK entry its first-ever ‘nul points’, even if the tone-deaf vocals of Jemini quite possibly played their part. This year, Israel was cast as the pantomime villain. With the War in Gaza being the cause célèbre of the moment amongst all Bright Young Things with a social conscience – the latest fashion accessory for the dedicated collector of causes – it was only natural that Eurovision disciples on ‘the right side of history’ would demand Israel’s expulsion.
Ireland’s gender-neutral entry, Bambie Thug, apparently ‘broke down in tears’ when Israel qualified for the Contest; wearing a pro-Palestine keffiyeh around his/her/their neck (this season’s must-have), he/she/they/it said, ‘It goes against everything Eurovision is meant to be’. Indeed, Israel making it to the final on the strength of a performance and not being judged by the policies of its country’s government – how very un-Eurovision that is. In the end, however, it wasn’t the designated pariah state of the year that was ejected from the Contest on ‘moral grounds’, but Holland. The Dutch entry, a wacky rapper with the kind of shoulder pads unseen since David Byrne circa 1986, was disqualified just hours before the show began following an allegation of inappropriate behaviour with a female crew member backstage; speculation mounted that something was afoot when Joost Klein missed Friday’s dress rehearsal, but the story of his absence wasn’t revealed until yesterday afternoon. At least his disqualification reduced the number of participating countries, even if only by one. Anyway, those who remember last year’s Winegum post on the Eurovision will recall I gave a brief summary of each act, having jotted down my immediate impressions as I watched; this was then later incorporated into the post. I thought it worked quite well, so I’m repeating the exercise. Bizarrely, the show opened with host nation Sweden, so that’s where we’ll begin.
SWEDEN: A pair of Norwegian twins with over-familiar nasal vocals; routine electro beat; performance feels more like a promo video than live, with video effects guaranteed to induce epileptic fit/UKRAINE: Female duo – one fat, one thin; thin one sings, fat one raps – in her mother tongue. Non-rap part of song not bad; surreal shot at the end, with the two superimposed over ‘bodies’ beneath their feet, an unsubtle reference to current events back home/GERMANY: Song resembles one of the UK’s many flops over the past 20 years, sung by a plump young man who looks like he works at Specsavers/LUXEMBOURG: Girl with pigtails surrounded by muscle-bound male dancers; could have been performed at any Eurovision in the last couple of decades. The way vocals are treated these days, no vocal sounds live now/ISRAEL: Original lyrics apparently altered due to references to October 7 massacre; ballad – bland, but not bad; audience whistling audible; anyone with a sense of mischief willing it to win/LITHUANIA: Back to Europop beat again; male singer’s ‘nose-cuff’ piercing distracting – looks like he’d head-butted a door the day before; routine sound trademarked by Eurovision in the 90s.
SPAIN: Female singer slightly older than one would expect, a touch of the middle-aged Kylie as well as the gay disco act Amanda Lear did in the 80s; male dancers also look like rejects from the ‘Relax’ video; repetitive 90s electro beat; crowd already familiar with song/ESTONIA: Old guys in black and shades giving shouty performance to usual electro backing; comedy dance routine/IRELAND: Gender-neutral singer who cried because Israel qualified. Visually reminiscent of Lene Lovich/Hazel O’Connor, with a touch of Bjork thrown in; song strange, but a bit too odd even for Eurovision; despite off-stage crap from the Goth princess, a genuinely weird and welcome change/LATVIA: Male solo singer who looks like a clean-shaven Pep Guardiola sings a slow ballad/GREECE: We receive the night’s first of many outings for that electronically-processed, Middle Eastern ‘ethnic’ sound/UK: A solo singer with a video backdrop that makes it look like he’s singing in a gents’ urinal; dancers dressed like gay boxers. Song sounds like something you’d hear playing in the background in Superdrug; the whole spectacle reminds me of the ‘I Love Willies’ number in the gay musical episode of ‘The IT Crowd’.
NORWAY: An alleged rock band, lumbered with same old ‘trance’ dance rhythm yet again; big sound, but has all the soul of an empty aircraft hangar/ITALY: Ever heard Italian rapping? You have now, but it’s that ‘ethnic’ beat again; female dancers with the size of thighs unseen since the heyday of Chaka Khan/SERBIA: Female singer sat on a polystyrene rock like the statue of the Little Mermaid in Copenhagen; slow and a bit too self-consciously moody; doesn’t go anywhere/FINLAND: Comedy interlude; same old electro beat, sounds like it’s playing at the wrong speed; Mr Windows 95 seemingly forgot to wear his trousers and runs round the stage like an out-of-shape, middle-aged streaker/PORTUGAL: Female singer dressed all in white with matching dancers who look to be wearing stockings over their faces in 70s bank robber style; song a forgettable plodder/ARMENIA: Yes, here we go again – it’s that ‘ethnic’ beat once more, with a girl singer who almost looks to be dressed in national costume/CYPRUS: Nasal vocal returns for first time since opening act. Singer like a dozen female pop stars in terms of presentation; touch of that ethnic beat again, but could’ve been at any Eurovision this century.
SWITZERLAND: Non-binary boy in a skirt; again, looks more like a video than a live performance; reliant on props, but moderately catchy/SLOVENIA: Blonde with the once-ubiquitous Britney Spears mic attached to her cheek, wearing an outfit the Daily Mail would probably call ‘revealing’, but reminds me of Legs & Co circa 1981; forgotten song already/CROATIA: Someone else who looks like he’s wearing national costume; horrible, Bon Jovi-like, Stadium Rock ‘woah-oh’ in chorus of otherwise annoyingly catchy tune/GEORGIA: Same presentation as Cyprus – girl singer with muscle-man dancers; we can hear echoes of that good ol’ ethnic beat for the umpteenth time this evening/FRANCE: Shares same title as a song I came up with for a spoof Eurovision video a decade ago, but mine was funnier; ‘Mon Amour’ an OTT ballad sung by a man who looks like the owner of a Turkish restaurant/AUSTRIA: High-speed electro-pop’s final outing of the evening; same old dance routines and lap-dancer persona obligatory for all post-Madonna female pop stars.
So, after the always-entertaining voting segment, the UK’s lavatory cowboy improved upon last year’s dismal second-from-bottom placing by finishing 18th out of 25 (success!). Israel couldn’t quite provoke further tears on the part of other contestants by finishing fifth, but those calling for Eden Golan to be banished will have felt extremely smug that the crown went to Switzerland’s non-binary boy as the MSM adhered to his demands by referring to him as ‘they’. I’m sure they is very happy today, for at least they is probably the only person in Europe able to remember a number all about their stunning and brave battle to celebrate their mental illness. Bet you’re sad you missed it, eh?
© The Editor
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