GO ASK ALICE

AliceJust as a superlative work of satire like ‘Gulliver’s Travels’ is often erroneously mistaken for a children’s book by those who’ve never read it – perhaps arising from the truncated (albeit charming) 1939 animated movie – ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’ is ostensibly a children’s book with adult elements that bypass the young reader and have largely been erased from the story’s Disneyfication whenever adapted for the screen. In the Psychedelic era, however, the story’s lysergic qualities were suddenly in synch with pop culture’s peculiar evocation of lost childhood innocence and its simultaneous discovery of something nasty lurking in the nursery. Despite the fact that the most obvious musical homage to Lewis Carroll’s literary classic came from the USA – Jefferson Airplane’s ‘White Rabbit’ – it was primarily the scene on this side of the pond that was heavily immersed in Alice’s Wonderland; and perhaps the only effective adaptation of the book to truly explore its more dark and disturbing aspects appeared on the eve of this sea-change, December 1966.

Jonathan Miller was beginning to reveal his full Renaissance Man potential in the mid-60s, despite still being known to the general public primarily as a member of the ‘Beyond the Fringe’ team; he had become active in the theatre as writer, producer and director, though the theatre then – as now – had a relatively small audience when compared to the far greater exposure afforded those who appeared on television. Miller’s first sustained association with TV came when he replaced Huw Wheldon as presenter of the BBC’s Arts series, ‘Monitor’ in 1965; Miller’s quirky style was in contrast with the more aloof old-school presentation skills of Wheldon, and Miller doubled-up as editor of the series for its final year on-air. ‘Monitor’ was noted for giving early breaks to future mainstream movie-makers like Ken Russell and John Schlesinger and also for pioneering the method of recounting an artist’s life using actors and re-enactments. It’s not too much of a stretch to see the films Miller commissioned for the series as influencing his next endeavour, to produce and direct a film of his own.

He chose to adapt ‘Alice in Wonderland’ and to liberate it from the Disney canon it had been absorbed into ever since Uncle Walt produced his animated version in 1951; Miller sought to recapture the haunting horror the book induced in him as a child, perhaps provoked by the celebrated – if often creepy – original illustrations by John Tenniel. One of the reasons he achieved his aim was due to the stunning monochrome cinematography that contributes a great deal to the eerie ambience of the piece; the fact he also shot it on 35mm film gives it a European Art House sheen far more cinematic that many TV productions shot on grainier 16mm film by the BBC in the 60s. Miller struck gold with his locations too, filming the interiors in an abandoned military hospital near Southampton that was demolished shortly afterwards. The decaying Victorian Gothic grandeur of the place seems the ideal setting for some of the oddball eccentrics that populate the story, not to mention the more sinister characters.

With a musician as chic to the mid-60s as Ravi Shankar the inspired choice for providing the film with a soundtrack that adds to its hazy, dreamlike atmosphere, it was fitting that the lead was played by 13-year-old Anne-Marie Mallik, a child actress with exotic Anglo-Indian heritage. The fact that such a prestigious role failed to entice her into an acting career and she largely disappeared off the radar thereafter seems to add to the unique mystique she radiates in the film. Although her performance was criticised by some at the time, Mallik perfectly captures the sullen, sulky indifference to the adults around her characteristic of immediate post-pubescence adolescence; and as some have long regarded the story as a metaphor for the changes girls on the cusp of womanhood experience, the way in which Mallik wanders through Wonderland with a bored, disinterested air seems entirely in keeping with her age. After all, she’s hardly presented with an encouraging preview of the life that awaits her when she encounters the apparently insane grownups inhabiting the strange, nightmarish mirror image of the Victorian society we see her as already jaded with; the aimless afternoon stroll through the long grass with her sister that opens Alice’s adventure appears to be preparing her for a dull future as a middle-class wife with too much time on her hands and nothing to occupy them. It’s no wonder she dozes off when she and her sister sit down, and it takes the startling sight of a neurotic-looking figure dashing towards his unknown destination to rouse her from her soporific indolence; it would need to be something like the White Rabbit.

It is this anticipated first sighting of the character that heralds the start of Alice’s journey, yet the viewer is made aware that this is no ordinary adaptation of the story from the off by the fact Wilfrid Brambell isn’t wearing an animal head – in fact, none of Wonderland residents are. ‘Once you take the animal heads off, you begin to see what it’s all about,’ said Miller when quizzed about his novel decision. ‘A small child, surrounded by hurrying, worried people, thinking “Is that what being grownup is like?”’ The absence of this traditional element of the adventure enables the impressive roster of actors Miller assembled for the film to play their parts ‘naked’ as it were, no longer able to hide behind their costumes; and they deliver. Michael Redgrave is the Caterpillar, Peter Cook the Mad Hatter; another of Miller’s ‘Beyond the Fringe’ colleagues, Alan Bennett, plays the mouse. Peter Sellers is the King of Hearts, John Gielgud the Mock Turtle (ably assisted by none other than Malcolm Muggeridge as the Gryphon), Leo McKern is the Ugly Duchess, and Michael Gough the March Hare. In another stroke of genius, the Cheshire Cat is a real moggy.

Alice rarely opens her mouth in this interpretation; instead, we mainly eavesdrop upon her random thoughts as she struggles to adapt to the odd mannerisms and behaviour of the characters she encounters – as well as the unnerving, intimidating world they appear entirely at home in. This brilliantly echoes the confused response of any child experiencing a wholly grownup environment for the first time. Indeed, there were segments that reminded me of the first funeral I ever attended; I was barely 16 and entered an arena so familiar to the exclusively adult company I found myself in that I watched slightly detached as they went through the routine on autopilot, knowing precisely what to do and what to say. That strange December morning as my paternal grandmother was laid to rest, I was Alice and they were all the Mad Hatter or the Queen of Hearts.

The courtroom climax of the story is a delightfully farcical satire of not merely the theatre of justice as viewed in all its beguiling and baffling ritual through the layman’s eyes, but of the perplexing ceremonial frivolity staged in the House of Lords, the employment of which always seems deliberately designed to keep a distance between the ruling class and the proles. In some respects, it’s not unlike the way in which teenage tribes use indecipherable slang to exclude adults from their enclosed clique; whether tossing about Latin phrases that only a certain kind of education can translate or babbling away in the latest adolescent Nadsat, the maintenance of an Us and a Them was (and remains) pivotal to the structure of any hierarchical society, especially the society Carroll was wryly poking fun at. His ingenious, playful manipulation of the English language throughout the story is one of its charms, and despite Miller’s version being a visual delight, the rhythm of speech integral to the satirical aspects of the book is very much intact in the dialogue.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen an adaptation of the book that quite captures the essence of what makes it such a timeless tale. Jonathan Miller went on to direct and produce another one-off classic two years later when he memorably adapted MR James’ chilling ‘Whistle and I’ll Come to You’ for the BBC. What a shame he had his talented fingers in so many pies that he didn’t have time to add to what could’ve been an impressive TV CV as a film-maker; but at least his two wonderful contributions to the most far-reaching medium of the 60s survived the purge that decimated so much of that decade’s archive, and for that we must be thankful.

© The Editor

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FANFARE FOR THE COMMON MAN

Oliver AnthonyMuch has been made of the ‘viral video’ that has caught the music biz by surprise over the past few weeks – ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ by a hirsute, unknown and defiantly unvarnished farmer from North Virginia called Oliver Anthony. Everything about both the song he sings and the way in which it’s presented goes against the contemporary grain; indeed, it’s pure no-frills, soulful simplicity itself. What you have is a big strapping lad playing a guitar on his shabby homestead, in possession of a bowel-shaking voice that seems to emerge from the depths of the barren soil he no doubt ploughs; it has an instant effect upon the famed hairs situated on the back of the listener’s neck, for his self-penned number is a bona-fide protest song from a demographic that feels left behind, terminally-exploited, and held in complete contempt by the ruling class. In a folk tradition that makes it sound like it could have been penned by Woody Guthrie nearly a century ago, ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ has moved so many so quickly because it’s entirely stripped of the synthetic processing that renders 99% of present day pop music little more than fast-food for the ears; ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ is both newer and older than the unlistenable Auto-Tuned bilge that blares out of every car stuck in a traffic jam or pollutes the telephone line of every caller permanently on hold. And that’s one of the reasons why it has had such an unprecedented impact; 14 million YT views in its first week – say no more.

To anyone listening outside of the present-day box and therefore accustomed to a natural voice free from artificial preservatives, the sound of Oliver Anthony has a familiar ring to it; but to those raised on a diet of processed cheese pumped into the ears 24/7 via all the corporate platforms that exist to flog it, hearing something so authentic and unpasteurised for the first time has proven to be quite a shock to the system. It’s akin to suddenly discovering you’ve been adopted and belatedly realising you’ve been lied to all your life. This may explain in part why ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ has gone viral, but the lyrical content of the number is equally responsible for the overnight success of Oliver Anthony; it has touched a nerve and connected with an audience few musicians – or (to be more accurate) all-round entertainers – are speaking to. And, as predictably as professional race-baiters bemoan the absence of ‘diversity’ from the Lionesses, ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ has been dismissed as everything from right-wing to ‘fat-phobic’, sneered at by the likes of the irrelevant Independent and even receiving a condescending pat on the head from Billy Bragg, who has kindly rewritten the song to point out where Oliver Anthony has gone wrong.

More than anything it is the voice that makes the song stand out so much; yet the insidious curse of Auto-tuning that has completely contaminated mainstream music and erased the human element key to Oliver Anthony’s sudden elevation from obscurity seems a fairly primitive piece of technology compared to the rapidly-advancing AI. YouTube and various online music sites are currently awash with fan creations utilising the embryonic powers of AI to manufacture fake recordings of noted or deceased singers that don’t quite convince yet; but one can easily imagine that, say, four or five years from now AI will have advanced to the point whereby the electronically-generated ‘CGI voice’ will be almost indistinguishable from the real thing. Thanks to Rick Beato’s channel, I’ve heard examples of AI at work – a recent Paul McCartney song in which Macca’s croaky octogenarian voice is altered to resemble his younger Beatle self, followed by a guest appearance from ‘John Lennon’ on a verse; there was also a version of Soundgarden’s ‘Black Hole Sun’ sung by ‘Kurt Cobain’ as well as an imitation Oasis number sung by, naturally, ‘Liam Gallagher’.

All of these facsimile vocals contain recognisable elements of the singers they’ve been programmed to recreate, but they still don’t sound natural; indeed, in keeping with current trends they sound soullessly Auto-Tuned at best, or like a tribute act at worst. One can’t help but feel a dead music scene that has already cannibalised its past through sampling has now stumbled upon a fresh means of recycling that will prolong pop’s afterlife for decades to come, like Lenin’s pickled corpse being reanimated and installed as Russian President when Vlad finally bows out. Rick Beato opined that the AI revolution and its ominous potential has caught the music biz unprepared in the same way it was provoked into panic when Napster and other downloading sites upset the apple cart 20 years ago, issuing indiscriminate writs and copyright claims in a desperate attempt to hold onto its crown jewels; but he predicts record labels will eventually get to grips with AI as they have with streaming and will dispense with artists and their unreasonable claims for royalties altogether, replacing them with their own genetically-modified AI versions of the long-gone acts that keep the business afloat. The scary thing is you can totally see this happening.

Maybe 10 or 20 years from now, a music biz annual release schedule will consist of new albums from The Beatles, David Bowie, Jimi Hendrix, Nirvana et al – all AI incarnations of the real thing, with song, instrumentation and voice manufactured and produced without any human input whatsoever. The difference between the real thing and the AI version will be like the difference between the original ‘Star Trek’ series of the 60s and the cartoon ‘Star Trek’ that appeared in the 70s; the former is evidently superior to the latter, but both have their fan-base. It’s already clear, and has been for a long time, that pop music is no longer a refuge for the creative outsider, so the likelihood of it now producing any figures who can have the seismic cultural impact of the legendary names is practically nonexistent; therefore, threatened with being denied the income such artists have provided the music biz with for decades, the music biz will dispense with the contemporary excuses for artists and will instead recreate the legends and by doing so will have absolute control over them. With this as the future, no wonder Oliver Anthony has affected so many.

The hostility that has greeted the success of ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ in some quarters predictably misses the point; sure, Anthony himself is white, working-class, blue-collar – whatever applicable label you want to attach; but one reason why the song has gone viral is because he’s speaking to the downtrodden and forgotten everywhere, not just the social demographic he emanates from. It ignores the cynical categorisation and league tables of the Oppression Olympics that constantly rates one group higher than the other and instead says ‘F**k that! Oppression goes far deeper than skin colour; if you’re oppressed and I’m oppressed, we’ve got more in common with each other than we have with the oppressor, whatever your colour.’ 60 years ago, ‘Blowin’ in the Wind’ had an equally levelling reach, back in yet another period when the Man divided and ruled by ensuring the Proles stayed in lanes designed along racial, sexual and gender lines – lest we forget, Sam Cooke was (forgive the pun) blown away by Dylan’s anthem, relating to the key line asking how many roads a man walks down before you call him a man; Cooke had been addressed as ‘boy’ for most of his life, so he got it straight away.

Attempts to write-off ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ as some sort of soundtrack for American ‘deplorables’ ironically echoes everything that prompted the song in the first place, and is a depressingly anticipated response by the Left when confronted by its own redundancy as the plebs do it for themselves rather than politely asking the patronising Left to do it on their behalf.

© The Editor

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NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCHING

SpiesIt may have appeared the same year as ‘Goldfinger’, but ‘Ring of Spies’ is a gritty espionage thriller rooted far more in fact than in fiction; it dramatises the Portland Spy Ring that had been exposed in 1961, and was actually filmed that year – albeit held back from release until 1964 due to legal reasons. It stars Bernard Lee (M of 007 fame) as Henry Houghton, something of a liability as an embassy attaché in Warsaw; his superiors see his socially embarrassing drunken episodes as what make him a liability, unaware a Polish girl with connections at the Russian Embassy is his most intimate confidant. Therefore, he is posted to a top-secret Royal Navy facility at Portland whereupon he is approached by a KGB agent and persuaded to pass on various sensitive documents. He secures the assistance and co-operation of Ethel Gee, a Portland employee he becomes romantically involved with, and she turns a blind eye to their treasonous activities due to her enjoyment of the handsome payments he receives. Motivated by greed rather than ideology, Houghton’s big spending soon attracts the attention of MI5 and he is placed under surveillance. Eventually, he and Gee are seized along with Houghton’s handler and another couple who transmitted information passed on by the KGB man to Moscow. An Old Bailey trial follows, at which the five receive sentences of between 15 to 25 years.

The Portland Spy Ring occurred in the thick of a glut of spy scandals that rightly suggested the British secret service had been infiltrated at the highest level; George Blake was exposed and imprisoned the same year, John Vassall the following year, and the year after that the most effective of the Cambridge Spies, Kim Philby, bolted on the eve of his exposure as a long-standing double agent – right at the point when a Soviet spy was also embroiled in a parallel scandal involving a certain Minister for War, a society osteopath, and a couple of call-girls. Sixty years ago, Ian Fleming’s patriotic superman was promoting a fantasy ideal of the security services whilst the real-life revelations seemed to revolve around British traitors either selling secrets to the USSR or actively working for the KGB; the enemy was within as well as behind the Iron Curtain. In the post-Cold War I world we inhabit today, a spy scandal is less a case of home-grown betrayal at the top and more a reflection of the ‘open borders’ of Europe, those freedoms of movement that allow citizens from former Soviet satellite states to settle on UK soil and receive a clean bill of health that enables them to set up shop in the spying game without their presence raising a single eyebrow.

Bizer Dzhambazov, Katrin Ivanova, and Orlin Roussev are in possession of names that western tongues traditionally find tricky to pronounce with ease, though Katrin Ivanova admittedly has a suitably Slavic ring to it that wouldn’t be out of place in a John le Carré novel; it’s just as well, for this Bulgarian trio are at the centre of what looks like the uncovering of a Russian spy ring based in West London and Great Yarmouth. The three whose arrest early this year has now been publicised have been charged under the Identity Documents Act on suspicion of operating on behalf of Moscow. All three have been on remand since February and are scheduled to answer police bail next month; when arrested, they were found with fake ID cards and passports allegedly emanating from nine countries. Dzhambazov and Ivanova are a couple who later relocated from Northolt (coincidentally a mile from RAF Northolt, used by the likes of the Prime Minister, the Defence Secretary and members of the Royal Family) to a semi in suburban Harrow. The latter location is very much in keeping with elements of the Portland Spy Ring, two of whose members – Lona and Morris Cohen – passed on secrets to Moscow via shortwave radio from an innocuous house in Ruislip.

However, unlike the low profiles that the climate of the times necessitated where the Cohen’s were concerned, Bizer Dzhambazov adopted an identity that portrayed him as a highly visible and confident member of the community, driving a BMW, boasting he worked for Interpol, and once causing a minor ruckus with his neighbours when seeking to attach a satellite dish to the outside of his Northolt home that would block the light received by the house next-door; this was on top of a dish he’d already placed there that curiously pointed in the wrong direction. A former Harrow neighbour of Dzhambazov and Ivanova underlined the ease with which the enemy can today put down roots without attracting attention or having to skulk in the shadows: ‘We’ve had such an influx of Albanians etc., so being Bulgarian wouldn’t stick out at all.’ It’s believed all three of those charged have been resident in the UK for around a decade. 41-year-old Dzhambazov and his partner ten years his junior ran an organisation enabling fellow Bulgarians settle in Britain, whilst Ivanova once worked for the Bulgarian electoral commission and gave her occupation at the time of her arrest as a medical laboratory assistant – both ‘hiding in plain sight’, one might say.

The third member of what appears to be a team, 45-year-old Orlin Roussev, was living in a Great Yarmouth guest-house run by a Bulgarian woman (and tech business-owner) when nicked; his background is also in tech, apparently specialising in AI and advanced communications systems as well as signals intelligence, which involves the interception of electronic communications; he is known for having business dealings in Russia. So, Northolt, Harrow and East Anglia – all boringly ordinary, rather dull and unspectacular locations where a foreign accent is hardly guaranteed to rouse the pitchforks and flaming torches of the natives, so more accustomed are English ears to such sounds today than they were way back in 1961. One suspects establishing a spy ring – if indeed, that’s what the trio were up to – is a simpler operation now, due to the relative lack of effort it takes to blend in with the dazzling array of overseas tongues most Brits are exposed to. If the three are found guilty, I suppose the one positive outcome of their alleged activities won’t so much be a long-overdue debate on the seemingly unchecked flow of foreigners of suspect intentions into this country, but perhaps a decent TV mini-series not unlike the recent – rather good – drama on Philby, ‘A Spy Among Friends’; probably won’t be as good as ‘Ring of Spies’, though.

MICHAEL PARKINSON (1935-2023)

ParkyA year that is beginning to rival 2016 in terms of a relentless catalogue of household names biting the dust, 2023 now has claimed yet another figure who made his mark in the century we’re gradually (not to say sadly) slipping further away from, chat show supremo Michael Parkinson. To conk out at 88 is – as the cricketer in him would no doubt have said – a good innings, but the television landscape he once bestrode with a gruff, plain-speaking intelligence passed away long before that most professional of Yorkshiremen left the crease. Despite several revivals from the 90s onwards, the golden age of the ‘Parkinson’ show was its first 11 years (1971-82) when it was as pivotal a fixture of the Saturday evening experience as the show it always followed last thing at night, ‘Match of the Day’. From contemporary pop culture characters like John Lennon to Hollywood legends free to spill the beans now they were no longer bound and gagged by the studio system, ‘Parkinson’ could provoke thought as well as laughter and largely modelled itself on the format of Dick Cavett’s US chat show, where the host wasn’t a gag man ala Johnny Carson (who asked questions solely so he could deliver a punch-line).

It may be lazily summed-up in hackneyed clips shows by replaying Parky’s anarchic encounter with a certain flightless bird, but ‘Parkinson’ at its best set the bar so high that the chat shows that followed have abandoned its higher ideals and have instead reverted to the Johnny Carson model; moreover, the guests are less interesting these days as well, mainly there to plug a product on behalf of the manufacturers; they have nothing of interest to say, whereas Parky’s guests always seemed to have something to say, and could do so in a conducive atmosphere the host helped generate. They don’t make hosts – or guests – like that anymore.

© The Editor

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PHONE HOME

Phone Box - CopyA post I wrote during Lockdown Mk I that I revisited the other day predicted which alterations to pre-pandemic routine would personally remain in the distant event of Covid being perceived as less of a threat than it was in 2020; one I singled out was the self-service tills in Sainsbury’s, which I’d never used up to that point. In this particular case, the prediction proved accurate, though the temporary freeze on cash exchanges that the coronavirus panic brought into force seems to have left a legacy in itself. Although Her (late) Majesty still smiles benignly from the Bank of England bank-notes, she’s the sole survivor from life before currency was tracked, traced and digitised for our own good. Out of the twelve newly-refurbished self-service tills in my local branch of said supermarket, just three are now reserved for physical cash – and one of them is usually out of order. Moreover, when taking a shopping detour via the neighbouring Waitrose a few days earlier, I was asked at the check-out which method I would be employing to pay for my goods; my reply of ‘cash’ provoked a swift donning of surgical gloves by the girl on the till, just to emphasise how disgustingly 20th century I really was. Sometimes it’s hard not to conclude we’re all being forcibly shoved into the cashless society, whether we like it or not.

A month or so ago, a convoluted episode in Specsavers concerning the cash payment for contact lenses – which the store informed me I hadn’t paid for when I turned up to collect them – resulted in a drawn-out saga of unjust denial on the part of the shop that eventually led to their acceptance I had indeed paid, albeit it in ‘dirty old money’. When I informed them that I’d conduct future exchanges there by card just to be on the safe side, I almost felt they’d engineered the whole farce merely to teach me a lesson and ensure I’d adhere to their preferred method of payment from then on. Additionally, a couple of weeks back – more out of curiosity than anything else – I decided to see which of the seven public call boxes that accepted coinage and were situated within walking distance of my home was actually in working order. The fact that more than half-a-dozen are still standing was an astonishing realisation in itself, though three of these were those ugly KX edifices BT introduced to replace the traditional red models in the 80s – and none of them were operating as intended.

Whilst all had received a grim makeover on the outside courtesy of local graffiti artists in possession of minimal talent, the interiors told a similar story of rather sad neglect. Two had had their guts ripped-out, presumably by vandals in search of loose change, and had been left to rot with their gruesome insides exposed in a manner that resembled the abandoned corpse of an unfortunate Great White Hunter gorged upon by a big cat, un-mourned by either BT engineer or pedestrian alike; redundancy, it seemed, had rendered them invisible. The other one gave the appearance of being in working order and also accepted coins, though the coin slipped straight out again within a second of being inserted; and there was no dialling tone when the receiver was picked-up. How much easier it had been back when no coin was called into action until the pips accompanied the raising of the receiver at the other end. Anyway, across the street from these useless 80s articles stood a trio of classic 1935-design K6 boxes; surely one of these would work?

The first produced the same coin in/out effect; the second was impossible to access due to the door refusing to open; and the third actually had a dialling tone, but again rejected any coin I inserted into it. The final phone I tried was a newer version, little more than an updated incarnation of the type one used to find welded to the walls of railway stations and airports – i.e. just the phone itself attached to a hooded booth, reducing the likelihood of privacy when making a call; Cold War spies would’ve spurned them without a second thought. Needless to say, it didn’t work, anyway. It appeared all of these utterly defunct machines, once so vital to the public, hadn’t been removed from the pavement simply because nobody even noticed them anymore, let alone needed them. Indeed, when slipping into the K6 boxes – which stand beside a bus-stop – I could see the bemused looks of those in the shelter wondering what the hell I was doing; any member of that queue under the age of 25 had probably never entered a phone box in their lives, seeing them as little more than antiquated monuments if they acknowledged their presence at all.

How different from a period that doesn’t feel that far away (yet scarily now is), i.e. the mid-1990s, when I recall the lengthy queues that would form outside public call boxes in September as the freshman students in the locality would be phoning home to let their parents know how their new life was treating them on campus; as many as half-a-dozen would be patiently waiting to make that call, perhaps at the final point in time when the mobile was still out of the price range of the majority and traditional methods of long-distance communication remained the only option. I suspect the phone box I remember seeing this snake-like line next to has gone now, for the last occasion I passed by it a few years ago revealed it had already been wrecked, apparently by a firework some ingenious wag had detonated inside it around 5 November. Mind you, phone boxes had always been sitting ducks for vandalism, whether the aforementioned explosive manifestations or via their unofficial role as makeshift toilets – even when proper public conveniences were actually abundant on our high-streets. The difference today is that nobody bothers to repair them anymore.

The 1990s was the period when ‘phone cards’ began to encroach upon the coin dominance of public call boxes, leaving some which accepted both and many which were redesigned solely for cards. Phone cards now seem to belong to the same tech-lexicon graveyard as ‘CD Rom’ or ‘word processor’, though when they displaced coins as the means of making a phone call it felt like the future for many. But it was a future that has already come and gone. The public call box today seems to have met the same fate as its one-time sibling, the police box. When a certain Time Lord claimed this then-familiar piece of street furniture in 1963, the thinking behind it was that the Tardis was supposed to adopt an exterior to blend in with whichever surroundings it arrived in – the so-called ‘chameleon circuit’. However, the ‘Doctor Who’ scriptwriters did the programme’s tight budget a big favour by negating the need to build a new Tardis every adventure when they devised the notion of the broken chameleon circuit; this meant at least the outside of the Doctor’s vehicle was permanently stuck in 1963 – about the only element of that show that is.

The few police boxes that remain no longer serve the purpose they were designed for – the walkie-talkie saw to that; but their status as iconic pop cultural objects is more or less entirely due to ‘Doctor Who’, and as most who have watched the programme over the last half-century have no memory of police boxes as commonplace street sights, owing their recognition of them to the traveller in time and space, it’s no wonder. The odd few that survived the late 60s cull (as well as the rebuilds capitalising on their enduring popularity) have been converted to other uses; likewise, the red phone box has seen similar acts of inspired requisitioning in an attempt to save them from disappearance. Some have been turned into mini-libraries, some have been fitted with defibrillators, and one – in the town of Settle, North Yorkshire – has become a tiny art gallery. The K6 has also proven to be a novelty export to the US, presumably one that still says ‘Great Britain’ to American eyes, however unfamiliar the K6 may be to younger British eyes these days. Chances are the owners of those eyes not only cannot conceive the need for public call boxes, but the idea that you stick a coin in a slot? What’s one of them, then?

© The Editor

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A CROOKED BUSINESS

Crooked House - CopyThe most memorable episode in the climax to one of Dickens’ masterpieces, ‘Little Dorrit’ concerns the literal collapse of the house occupied by the invalid Mrs Clennam, which comes tumbling down in her absence whilst killing the villain of the novel, the blackmailing Blandois. Whilst many today might regard this as Dickens taking artistic licence for dramatic effect, the fact is it was not uncommon for residences to simply fall down in the 18th and 19th centuries – indeed, Dr Johnson once referred to such incidents when describing the sights and sounds of London. Moreover, any cursory study of early photographs chronicling the notoriously shabby slums of the capital leaves the viewer coming to the conclusion that, were these shoddy hovels not packed so closely together, collapse would probably not take much in the way of effort. In the centuries since, improved planning regulations make this kind of spectacle something of a rarity, though the partial collapse of one building constructed during a less-regulated era inadvertently created the nearest thing the West Midlands ever had to the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Crooked House pub near Dudley in Staffordshire.

I first became belatedly aware of this novel hostelry whilst working my way through the TV CV of Jonathan Meades several months ago; in an instalment of his celebrated 1994 series, ‘Further Abroad’, Meades covers the subject of vertigo and begins his characteristically eccentric journey by visiting the Crooked House. Alas, over the past few days, the Crooked House – once a guaranteed stopping-off point for regional reporters on ‘Nationwide’ – has returned to the national headlines for all the wrong reasons. A public house from as far back as the 1830s, the Crooked House was known as the Glynne Arms when the BBC’s ‘Tonight’ programme paid it a visit in 1961 and highlighted the numerous optical illusions that successive landlords had capitalised on by deliberately designing the decor to confuse the drinker, such as tables at an angle that made any object placed upon them appear to roll upwards. One end of the pub, which was erected on a disused coalmine, subsided early in its life and was thereafter held together by steel bars running from one end to the other as well as heavy brick buttressing on the sunken side. This act of pure serendipity created the legend of the Crooked House, giving a corner of the country lacking in buildings of architectural merit or interest a unique tourist attraction that continued to draw the punters in over the decades

However, all that has suddenly changed with remarkable swiftness for a property with such a lengthy history. Put up for sale by Marston’s Brewery, the Crooked House changed hands just last month, purchased by an ex-hairdresser name of Carly Taylor on behalf of a company called ATE Farms Ltd for £675,000; Mrs Taylor is the wife of an Adam Taylor, former director of a company known as Himley Environmental Ltd, which owns the road by which the Crooked House is accessed as well as a neighbouring landfill site. We’ve not even been told half the story yet and already things are beginning to sound a bit fishy, no? Anyway, Mr and Mrs Taylor turn out to be either current or former directors of no less than 18 companies – which doesn’t sound remotely dodgy, does it; and they have a track record of buying-up public houses in the neighbourhood with a view to converting them to ‘luxury apartments’, which certainly didn’t bode well for the future of the nation’s most distinctive tavern when they got their hands on it.

Guess what – barely a month into the pub being under new management, a fire broke out following what locals have referred to as ‘a party with loud music’ taking place last Saturday night; before long, an inferno engulfed what was virtually the sole landmark in the vicinity and the fire brigade were naturally summoned to the scene. Curiously, once Sam and his pals arrived, they were confronted by a mysterious wall of earth that blocked the entrance to the pub, forcing them to stop short about a third of the way to the blazing building, left with little choice but to try and extinguish the fire by using upwards of 40 lengths of hose. Unsurprisingly, they were unsuccessful in their valiant attempts to save the Crooked House, and the pub was reduced to ash once the flames were finally put out from an inconvenient distance. As if this wasn’t bad enough, the shell of the exterior that remained defiantly standing when the interior had been gutted was then obliterated from the local map a couple of days later courtesy of a digger that flattened what was left, despite advice to the contrary by South Staffordshire Council – perhaps anticipating the furious local fury that has followed in the wake of this unscheduled and illegal impromptu demolition.

In the last couple of days, the probable cause of the fire appears to have settled on arson; and it now turns out Mr and Mrs Taylor had hired the digger that wiped the pub off the map a full week before the fire that destroyed it. Hold on a minute – is there a crystal ball in the Taylor household or something? How the hell did they know a fire was going to break out that could possibly render the Crooked House ‘unsafe’ and a potential threat to the public in its charred condition? Nobody’s suggesting that this pair of arrogant, avaricious opportunists engineered said fire and hired a vehicle in advance that could complete the job for them, of course; but then again…er…what else does it look like? The response to this series of events from those who either patronised the hostelry or recognised it as a local landmark has been fairly unanimous; demands that the pub be rebuilt brick-by-brick are abundant, with these unsavoury incidents occurring barely a week in the wake of an application to give the Crooked House long-overdue listed building status.

The local authority had instructed the owners to only partially demolish the structure, not the whole bloody building. The leader of South Staffordshire Council, Roger Lees, claims that there was never any point at which the council gave the green light to full demolition and ‘nor was this deemed necessary’; the events that followed sit uneasy with the Town and County Planning Order 2015 and now the council’s lawyers are studying evidence ‘with a view to taking enforcement action’. Paul Taylor, a representative of a local campaign group, Save the Crooked House, says ‘I think the loss will be felt forever. Even if there’s a way to restore the building in some form, it will never be the original Crooked House. It will be a rebuild. People are very, very upset. It was just one of those iconic things; it felt like it belonged to us, to the community, to the Black Country.’ Staffordshire police seem as convinced that the fire was started deliberately as the campaign group; a statement issued on Wednesday clarified matters. ‘Our investigation into the fire at the Crooked House on Himley Road last Saturday continues as we try to understand the circumstances, which we are now treating as arson,’ it reads. ‘This fire has shocked and upset so many given the cultural importance and heritage of the building. This is not lost on us and a robust investigation using all available information and forensic opportunities are being carried out.’

The local MP, Marco Longhi, says ‘the lack of information being provided to the public has raised animosity amongst the local community’, and it is the local community who will continue to harbour such animosity, conscious as they are that the Crooked House was one of the few buildings in their neck of the woods that mattered. But anyone accustomed to the ‘Nooks and Corners’ segment of Private Eye will have been told this tale ad nauseam – the historic local building falling into disrepair and dereliction is purchased by new owners apparently reluctant to attend to essential maintenance; then the inevitable vandalism, followed by the token fire and the necessity of demolition due to the building now being reclassified as a danger to the public, then redevelopment and a fresh cash-cow on the same site. It’s a familiar story that urgently requires a bit of legal tweaking in order to prevent it from happening again; the thought that greedy property developers can apply this tired old trick to any local landmark they eye-up without once considering the community in which said landmark sits is an outrage that deprives provincial towns of the threadbare claims to architectural fame they can call upon. And some who live there actually care.

© The Editor

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NO PAIN, NO GAIN

Pat Phoenix - CopyI recently picked-up a book on eBay called ‘The Real Coronation Street’ – published in 1970, on the eve of the programme’s 10th anniversary and retailing for the princely sum of 25p (with 5s in brackets, reflecting imminent decimalisation). The paperback was penned by the then-TV critic for the Daily Mirror, Ken Irwin; I don’t know if this intriguing little book ever went into a second print-run, but I doubt it. However, the fact it’s been out of print for over half-a-century probably means most of those who have written the numerous celebratory volumes on the show ever since are unaware of it, and perhaps some of the details on the original cast housed within its yellowing pages have never subsequently seen the light of day. For example, I had no previous knowledge of the fact that the actress Christine Hargreaves – who played troubled character Christine Hardman for the first few years of the programme – was (at the time of the book’s publication) married to Klaus Voormann; pop scholars amongst you will know him as the old Hamburg associate of The Beatles, both a gifted artist (responsible for the iconic ‘Revolver’ sleeve) and musician (that’s his bass at the beginning of Carly Simon’s ‘You’re So Vain’). Such fascinating snippets tend to slip back into obscurity if they don’t re-emerge in print thereafter, so a book like this can often be a little goldmine of pop cultural information if excavated.

One thing that does stand out when being given the backgrounds of the actors who put flesh on the bones of the characters created by Tony Warren is that so many of the senior ones had been treading the boards throughout the old music-hall and regional rep circuits for decades before becoming overnight household names; and they’d known hard times. Pat Phoenix, forever immortalised as Elsie Tanner, reflects on the breadline existence she endured as a struggling young actress when she recalls, ‘I can vividly remember when I was so hungry that my belly practically touched my backbone’. Considering the more veteran members of that original cast had lived through one or more World War and a Great Depression, it’s no surprise that when fame and fortune belatedly came their way via Granada’s groundbreaking serial they enjoyed themselves. Margot Bryant, who portrayed Ena Sharples’ mild-mannered sidekick Minnie Caldwell, is described in the book as a delightful eccentric who would jet off to Venice for the weekend armed with a dozen tins of cat food in her luggage, with which she would proceed to feed the stray moggies of the city – whilst dressed in a mink coat.

The material rewards of success were something that not every beneficiary of ‘Coronation Street’ paraded, though those that did were not condemned for doing so; it was evident to most that they’d earned it through years and years of hard work. Besides, there were so few ways and means in which those of ‘humble origins’ could acquire a mansion or Rolls Royce back when the chasm between classes was so wide that anyone who’d managed to make it without the privileges of inherited wealth were viewed as far more deserving of the rewards than those who’d had them handed down on a silver salver. The triumph over poverty and penury that a runaway hit TV show could provide at a time when television was the nation’s premier star-maker was something that understandably prompted its recipients to purchase luxury goods that showed how far they’d come. The self-made men who ran the provincial towns the majority of the ‘Coronation Street’ actors emanated from were similarly unashamed in publicly tracking their journey from the backstreets to the town halls through their status symbols.

In the book, Pat Phoenix is described as living ‘like a Hollywood star among the factory chimneys of the industrial North’ and is labelled ‘Manchester’s Joan Crawford’; her love of expensive clothes is detailed, particularly her fur coats – ‘minks, Persian lamb, sable, pony-skin and antelope’ – and shoes – ‘she has more than 200 pairs and reckons that most of them are ruined after one night out in a milling crowd’ – whilst her home was ‘set in several acres of garden, and has a magnificent ballroom-cum-billiard room’, adding ‘she even had her own antique one-armed bandit machine installed’. Interestingly, the ‘rambling, but beautiful property at Disley’ had a prior owner in the shape of Wilfred Pickles, a famous Northern actor and personality of a previous generation whose own fame and fortune had been a product of the era in which the item of household furniture the family gathered around of an evening was the radio. The book even includes a photo credited to the Sunday Mirror which shows Pat Phoenix pictured ‘at home in her private bar’. When one thinks that the majority of those actors had spent many a cold winter of discontent on the breadline, eking out a miserable existence that evokes ‘Dead End Street’ by The Kinks – ‘Out of work and got no money/a Sunday joint of bread and honey’ – it’s no wonder they relished the unexpected opportunity to bask in their newfound wealth.

People who suddenly acquire money after spending a lifetime without it often have no qualms about advertising the abrupt alteration in their circumstances; they display none of the shame and disdain for conspicuous consumption that those who’ve never ‘gone without’ often do. The first wave of working-class 60s pop stars, for instance, wasted little time in purchasing fast cars and big houses, rightly seeing no romance in being poor and wanting to celebrate the fact they’d escaped the narrow horizons they’d been assigned at birth, the same ones their parents had been unable to rise above. When a young woman born into extreme poverty like Viv Nicholson scooped the equivalent of £3,600,000 in today’s money on the football pools in 1961, she famously went a bit mad as she swiftly worked her way through her winnings in record time; but who could blame her? Traditionally, the poorer working-classes would strive to hide any signs of social depravation through making a sartorial impression that suggested they were ‘better off’ than their income indicated. An early episode of ‘Steptoe and Son’ sees Harold take the dirty old man ‘up West’ as a birthday treat, briefly visiting a pricey cocktail bar that Harold does his best to blend into via his finest suit and an urbane demeanour his father scorns as a pretentious homage to James Bond.

A couple of generations later, kids from a similar demographic would emerge as exotic peacocks during the ‘New Romantic’ era, mocked by music critics who fashionably dressed-down, yet being far more true to their roots than middle-class Punks aping what they imagined to be working-class traits as they adopted a sneering plebeian pose bordering on caricature. There’s an element of the latter in today’s privileged personalities who have experienced none of the hard times those original ‘Coronation Street’ cast members lived through, yet no longer seek to act as cartoon versions of the working-class, what with the working-class obviously being Leave-voting racists these days; instead, they adopt the stereotypical characteristics of 21st century pop culture’s most potent and desirable figure, The Victim. It’s today’s method of the rich and famous pretending they’re not quite as privileged as they actually are. Whether Meghan Markel or even Gary Lineker (!) playing the race card or Sam Smith getting out his moobs for the lads and weeping and wailing that he’s a hard-done-by, non-binary ‘Trans’ whatever, the pursuit of victimhood as a means of certifying moral virtue is the crooked currency of the counterfeit downtrodden.

I think I’d much rather have the likes of Pat Phoenix shamelessly swanning around her mansion in fur coat and no knickers, serving G & Ts behind her private bar and celebrating the welcome end of the genuine lean years she suffered. There was a refreshing honesty to those characters, with their aims and ambitions not hidden behind the veil of virtuous cant that cloaks the ulterior motives of contemporary ‘stars’ whose endless pain we seem doomed to receive daily updates on forevermore; they’re fooling no one, but then we’re not so green as we’re cabbage-looking – as Ena Sharples might say.

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TOTAL RECALL

Nadine DorriesA sense of entitlement has long been a traditional Tory trait, usually imbued at a young age by attending public schools which emphasise the ‘born to rule’ maxim; ex-Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries wasn’t saddled with such a social handicap as a child – being of working-class Scouse stock – though her recent tantrum over Boris Johnson’s resignation honours list suggests that even if Tories aren’t exposed to this delusion at a tender age they can easily become infected with it if they scale the upper echelons of the Party. Dorries’ own sense of entitlement was manifested as an expectation that her being one of Boris’s most prominent ass-kissers both before and after his tenure at No.10 would naturally result in her receiving an elevation to the Peerage upon his reluctant retirement as PM; however, wary of triggering yet another by-election following a string of them, Boris declined to promote his most devoted groupie. So upset was Dorries that all her tireless butt-licking wasn’t rewarded with a free pass into Britain’s cushiest care home, she abruptly announced her intention to resign her Mid Bedfordshire seat with immediate effect, thus triggering a by-election after all.

One wonders if her constituents would even noticed she’d gone, though; turns out she doesn’t live in the constituency and hasn’t even held a surgery for three years. Mind you, she’s a busy lady, what with having a stellar TV career, one whose beginnings on ‘I’m A Celebrity…’ over a decade ago earned her a suspension from the Conservative Party. Despite pleas from Flitwick Town Council for Dorries to stick by her ‘immediate effect’ promise and enable the local electorate to vote in a decent constituency MP, Dorries is currently refusing to budge until she receives an explanation as to why she wasn’t given her precious peerage. Yes, folks, I’m not bullshitting; Dorries submitted a subject access request to the House of Lords Appointments Commission and won’t go until she is handed unredacted WhatsApps, text messages, emails, and minutes of meetings that relate to the prevention of her being titled ‘Lady’ Nadine. This evident entitlement is not only making Dorries a laughing stock as well as an utterly redundant political representative for Mid Bedfordshire voters, but it is providing Rishi Sunak with an embarrassing headache.

Yesterday, the Prime Minister made his frustration with the situation clear by responding to a caller on an LBC phone-in by saying, ‘I think people deserve to have an MP who represents them, wherever they are’, adding that Dorries’ constituents ‘aren’t being properly represented’ by an MP who hasn’t spoken in the Commons for 12 years. ‘It’s just making sure your MP is engaging with you,’ said Sunak, ‘whether that’s speaking in Parliament or being present in their constituencies doing surgeries, answering your letters.’ It’s pretty indisputable that Nadine Dorries views public life in the Parliamentary sense as the proverbial gravy train, with progression as a useless constituency MP to a useless Peer in receipt of the nation’s handsomest unemployment benefit being something she can’t compute she doesn’t deserve. Perhaps if this farce carries on much longer, Dorries should be subject to the Recall of MPs Act 2015, which (on paper, at least) is one of the Cameron administration’s few pieces of admirable legislation; the snag with the Act, alas, is that the recalling of an MP cannot be initiated by their constituents; proceedings can only be kick-started if the MP is found guilty of wrongdoing according to certain criteria, and even then a petition to oust them requires the signatures of one in ten constituents. This has only occurred four times since the Act was introduced, with three of the four petitions successful. This week, the third of those came with the recall of the SNP’s Margaret Ferrier.

You might not necessarily remember the name, but you’ll probably remember the crime. Margaret Ferrier was one of those ‘entitled’ MPs who regarded herself as above the rules and regulations imposed upon the rest of the population during lockdown; she infamously travelled from Scotland down to Westminster after having tested for Covid, speaking in the Commons Chamber before receiving the results; when the results came back as positive, she didn’t self-isolate in London but hopped on a train and headed back north of the border. When the news of her actions broke, she had the SNP whip removed and was later given a 270-hour community payback order. Following her 30-day suspension from the House in June, the six-week recall petition process got underway, with 11,896 voters in her Rutherglen and Hamilton West constituency adding their signatures to Ferrier’s Parliamentary death warrant. Administered by South Lanarkshire Council, the successful petition has therefore triggered a by-election in the seat, one that Labour and the SNP both have their eyes on. For Labour, it’s a dummy run for how the Party’s improved fortunes could fare in one of its traditional heartlands, whereas the SNP will be hoping the independence obsession can overcome any minor setbacks – though considering the sleazy setbacks the SNP is currently experiencing, one wonders if the perennial promise of the Promised Land is enough to carry the Party through anything anymore.

Even though Margaret Ferrier admitted she had exposed the public ‘to the risk of infection, illness and death’ when issued with the community payback order, the now-ex-MP exhibited a Nadine Dorries-like reluctance to do the decent thing and step down before the recall process was set in motion; and now she has been rewarded by being booted out. She joins a small and somewhat exclusive club. North Antrim’s Ian Paisley Jr was the inaugural Honourable Member to be named in a recall petition, back in 2018, after accepting hospitality from the Sri Lankan government without declaring it to the Commons; he was suspended from the House for 30 days, but didn’t receive enough signatures from his constituents for the petition to be successful. The first MP to actually bite the bullet as a result of the process was Labour’s Fiona Onasanya in 2019. After being found guilty of perverting the course of justice over lying to the police to avoid prosecution for speeding, her three-month prison sentence was enough to warrant the recall and she was removed from her seat. The second success came the same year with the Conservative’s Christopher Davies; pleading guilty to two counts of fraud relating to Parliamentary expenses, Davies avoided a prison sentence but his conviction was sufficient for recall.

Of course, there have been other MPs deserving of the process, but who managed to wriggle out of it. The odious Keith Vaz is something of a repeat offender who nevertheless avoided recall by standing down following the unexpected announcement of the 2019 General Election, which had delayed the recall process; Vaz’s successor as Leicester East MP, Claudia Webbe, narrowly escaped recall following a conviction for harassment – upon appeal, her suspended sentence was reduced to a non-custodial one, no longer falling within the process’s criteria; and how could we forget Boris? The former PM was found guilty of misleading Parliament as well as being in contempt of Parliament, but – as we all know – stood down before the Committee of Privileges published its report into Partygate, thus negating the proposed 90-day suspension and the triggering of a recall petition. It’s certainly a flawed system, considering how many MPs should be subject to it, but at least it exists as some kind of mechanism to jettison one or two of the barrel’s numerous rotten apples.

Clinging on to the constituency she has served with a distinct lack of distinction, Nadine Dorries remains MP for Mid Bedfordshire, inexplicably exempt from the recall process yet exhibiting petulant characteristics unworthy of her position. Perhaps it’s time the Recall of MPs Act was looked at again with a view to some tweaking. As gallant loser Tony Benn said in the wake of the 1975 EEC Referendum result, ‘When the British people speak, everyone – including Members of Parliament – should tremble before their decision.’ Allowing the British people to speak when it comes to their most inept political representatives is something that could help curtail the cancer of entitlement and provoke some vital trembling where it’s undeniably needed.

© The Editor

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