BORED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

‘Are you two really the best we’ve got to be Prime Minister of our great country?’ This was the question posed by an audience member in the final televised leaders’ debate of the 2024 General Election, broadcast last night on BBC1; and it was somehow fitting it should round-off a series of underwhelming talent contests in which the nation has collectively expressed the same sentiment; the difference is that the nation has aimed the question at the television set, whereas the man who asked the question at Nottingham Trent University got to put it to Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer in person. However, like those who launched it at the gogglebox, he also received no reply. It would’ve been wonderfully refreshing had either man shrugged their shoulders and said, ‘Yeah – pathetic, innit’; but, of course, it didn’t happen. Then again, every question posed throughout the duration of a debate that was probably the best of a largely uninspiring bunch received no reply, at least no straight reply. I often wonder what everyday discourse between people would be like if we adopted the politician’s tactic…

‘Fancy a cuppa?’
‘I have repeatedly stated over several years – and it’s all on the record – that there are a range of heated beverages that are to my own personal taste, and it has to be said, to the personal taste of the vast majority of people in this country.’
‘Yeah, but do you fancy a…’
‘What I’m interested in is there being a choice of such beverages, a choice that people have been denied for far too long; and for small business-owners and our children, as well as the NHS, our education system and the economy, it is important that a diverse and inclusive range of heated beverages should be accessible to pensioners and immigrants alike.’
‘So, you don’t want…’
‘What I intend to do – and I’ve said this on several occasions – is to examine the variety of heated beverages before coming to a decision, and that decision will be one which will not merely quench my own thirst, nor the thirst of a small, select section of society, but will serve to quench the thirst of everybody in it.’
‘Oh, go make it yourself, then.’

When I switched the final debate on, it was still five minutes away from beginning, and I was unlucky enough to see my first – and probably last – Party Election Broadcast of the entire campaign; it was an especially nauseating one by the Liberal Democrats, and was basically Lib Dem leader Ed Davey putting us in touch with his feelings. This televised therapy session told us little about the Party; it was all about the man. Mind you, considering the Lib Dems are effectively Diet Labour, Davey probably figured their deranged Identity Politics agenda was hardly likely to attract any floating voters, so he opted to turn the spotlight on himself, maybe banking on a bit of biography serving as some sort of evidence that he’s one of us – much like Sir Keir’s running gag about his old man being a toolmaker (which received one last outing during the debate). Strangely enough, though, there was no mention of the role Davey played in delaying justice for the wrongly-accused sub-postmasters during his spell as a Coalition Minister. Anyway, once this soft-focus profile of The Man Who Wouldn’t Be Prime Minister was over, we joined Mishal Husain and the two Party Leaders for a 45-minute debate that didn’t at least have the ‘speed-dating’ vibe that made the ITV opener such a frustrating watch.

This fairly straightforward Q&A seemed a formula that suited the format, although it was sometimes difficult during the first half of the programme to hear everything either Sunak or Starmer was saying due to the racket emanating from outside the venue. It being staged on campus meant the more vocal Ptolemy and Titania types had rounded-up their gap-year activist friends to sing the praises of Hamas in the hope of disrupting the event; Husain reminded both audience and viewers that the right to protest is all part of living in a democracy – as is the right to pose the question quoted at the beginning of this post. That particular one didn’t emerge until we’d had questions on the boats, benefits, and Brexit (amongst others); but an audience member asking the Labour leader what his plans were on protecting women’s rights rightly spun out into a brief debate on cross-dressing men gate-crashing women’s safe spaces. This gave the PM the chance to state his belief in biological sex, though he raised the sticky subject of Rosie Duffield a little too late to ensure the necessary squirming Starmer needed to be put through, especially given his previous confusion over cervixes. Sunak actually gave his best performance of the three televised debates, though he probably threw caution to the wind in the knowledge that Sir Keir is not really going to be his main opponent in this contest.

The latest poll, published the same day as the last debate, would’ve alerted the PM to the fact he’ll be spending the next seven days not looking across at Keir Starmer, but looking over his shoulder at Ed Davey and Nigel Farage. Electoral Calculus canvassed 19,000 people and the result of their endeavours will make for grim reading in the Sunak household. According to this ‘un, Labour is projected to win 650 seats, with the Lib Dems in second place on 71; the Tories will be reduced to a disastrous 60, and Reform will be on 18. All of the polls throughout the campaign so far have shown no discernible change when it comes to the gulf between Labour and Conservative, though this one has certainly taken the Tories’ woes and blown them up to a worst-case scenario, particularly in the optimistic numbers dished out to the Lib Dems and Reform. A poll released by YouGov in the immediate aftermath of the debate was rather closer; it showed viewers were equally divided as to who came out on top on TV, with both performers receiving 47% of the vote, and 6% of the 1,716 viewers surveyed not able to give a clear answer either way. I know how they feel.

When the subject of the betting scandal was raised, Sir Keir had to exercise his customary caution due to the fact one of his own members has now been caught up in it; Starmer’s response was to emphasise the swiftness with which he acted in suspending the candidate in question when compared to Sunak taking his time with the Tories who’d fancied an unfair flutter. Despite the cost-of-living story surprisingly not being mentioned as much as anticipated on the TV hustings, Starmer donned his metaphorical flat cap again when having a dig at Sunak’s luxury lifestyle, calling the PM ‘out of touch’ and claiming Sunak’s ‘lived world is millions of miles away’ from most people in this country; fair point, but the truth is that the one person in that hall last night with whom Starmer has more in common than anybody else was the man he was standing next to on the stage. Constant references to Starmer’s upbringing were there for a reason, but we shouldn’t see this as a class issue at all; when it comes to these two contenders, there’s very little to choose between them in terms of material comforts.

So, the show’s over for now. TV viewers will switch to Euro 2024 or Glastonbury or Wimbledon for the next week, and then this pair of mass debaters (worth using that one again) will claim centre-stage for the grand showdown seven days from today. In the meantime, the campaign trail enters its final phase, online and in-person as Sunak and Starmer press the flesh of specially-selected Party cheerleaders who’ll crowd enthusiastically around them in the way pretty girls once used to do with whoever was hosting TOTP as they introduced the next act. Here’s hoping we can look forward to a few Portillo Moments on the night, as it’s been pretty bloody boring so far.

© The Editor

Website: https://www.johnnymonroe.co.uk/

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/user?fan_landing=true&u=56665294